in fact there has been so much that i just have not known how to speak
i wanted to write something special for those who have been special to me
but sometimes when a heart hurts, it is silent
sometimes what we feel is not pretty or profound.
sometimes it is just pain and confusion and....
regret
on December 24 while i sat in the Christmas eve service at my church and listened to the wonders of the season
my grandma slipped silently from this world...
an unbeliever lost forever
i went to see her before the end
i sat with her
but i didn't know how to reach her,
i could hold her hand, and i did
i wanted to make her a believer
i wanted to force salvation on her
but i didn't
i couldn't
it seems that if someone lives their life without God they die that way too
maybe i should have pushed
maybe i should have forced it
maybe i should have done something
anything...
yet in those moments i just felt helpless
the truth is i should have shared my faith with her many years ago
i should have shown her Jesus when she was busy living
and not waited till she was consumed with dying
and i am filled with regret
it sits beside me and whispers to me daily
it has become a unwanted companion
we had to re home titan
and i was thinking how i regretted getting him
how if we had not gotten him and had kept krinkle my son would not be so sad
and everytime he says "i miss krinkle, krinkle was MY dog"
regret snuggles in a little deeper
and then while the sting of letting titan go was still new
krinkle passed suddenly away
and my heart exploded
and regret flowed out like poison
i wished i could just let it flow till it was all gone
but i know it doesn't work that way
the more it flows the stronger it becomes
till it plants itself permanently in my heart
and because i cant be sad all the time
because i cant cry forever
eventually it will turn into bitterness and anger
and the poison of it would become my legacy
so i must choose to let regret go
so i try to look at the other side
there is always another side
and if i can shake regret for a moment
if i can look past the heartache
maybe i will find relief
maybe i will see that God is truly in control
that regret changes nothing in the past, it simply taints the now
i know that God will not take someone from this earth who will choose Him
until they do choose Him
i don't know if my grandma made that choice.
i think she did not
but i don't know that
maybe i should have done more for her
but i could not give her my faith
i could not lend it to her either
and i must come to terms with the fact that we all make our own choice about eternity
i can choose to remember her in life
and honor her right to choose
what i do know,
is that we made the right choice for krinkle, in giving her the loving family that filled her last 16 months of life
maybe we should not have gotten titan,
but even had we not gotten him
we still owed krinkle her own family
we owed her a life filled with love and peace and security,
she deserved to be the only dog
and i can find joy in knowing that she was loved
that she found what she needed and thrived in her new home
i can miss her in peace
and honor her in my sadness
goodbye krinkle-pop-scally-wag
and good bye grandma Anderson
i will miss you both
