of whispers and dollies and monsters a plenty...

today i had to have a serious talk with my beautiful daughter.
it was similar to when i had to explain we would no longer be seeing grandma Crossley anymore.
and she had the same question about another loved one

 ''but will we see her in heaven?"

i know the question was meant to comfort both her and i because we talk openly about the great joy of reuniting in heaven someday.

but it was not a comfort this time this time it was a reminder that not all stories have a happy ending
that some goodbyes are eternal
that we can't will someone else into faith
that we all make our choices
alone
and we all stand before God
alone

of course i was careful to explain only what i thought essential to my little girl
but i did have to say things i wish with all my heart my baby would never have had to hear
things about a broken heart
 and a broken family
 and a broken woman
 and a life filled with pain and regret

and she held me while i cried
then...
and she looked up and asked with hesitation
"but you love me right mommy?"
YES honey with all my heart
"and you will always care .....          about me...right mommy?
YES honey for all your long life i will.
and that was the simple truth.

i will make it my goal in life to raise a daughter (and a son) who knows beyond a shadow of doubt that their mother loves them with all her might, and their mother got her ability to love them that way from Jesus.

and in that act,

            ....that life long act,

i will end generations of regret.

things that sparkle

i love things that sparkle, shiny things that you find on the beach, and by the river, things that ravens steal and pile in their nests.

but as a mama i am finding there are other kinds of shiny things i love to collect,
things far more precious than stones and shells...

sparkles in the eyes of my daughter when she is so very proud of herself
mischief eyes when she thinks she has played a great trick
laughing eyes when she is so very funny
crazy eye when she is way past tired
and really did not need the cookie after supper but loved the sugar rush
the sparkle of determination as she holds her pencil in a death grip
trying to write the almost impossible "e" in her name
the glow of her stink eye when life is not fair and she doesn't want a brother anymore...

his laughing eyes when he has managed to lick me despite all my loud protests
his mischief eyes as he chases his sister around trying to lick her too
the delight in his eyes as i rush around the corner and scare him
his snarly eye when he is mad mad mad, and cute, cute, cute
sneaky eye as he hides under a blankey giggling and saying "come find me mama"...

but i am finding there is a sparkle eye that i have been collecting with more tenderness than any other,

the glitter of a teary eye,
of a tiny broken heart,
and a world that is not always fair,
even when you are small and precious,
and  as i hold those precious tears to my heart,
i cant help but think of my heavenly Father
and all the tears he has collected of mine,
and i find myself understanding if only a little, how precious i am to Him, how much He loves me, how much He hurts when i hurt, and how much He has gone through to show me His great love,

it is easy in this season to think of Jesus as a baby, yet as i watch my own children grow i am reminded that it is not easy to be a child, with no say, with no control, in a world that can be cruel and cold, and i thank God for his great great sacrifice. 

i dread the day my children will meet even one bully, and He sent His precious son to a world right full of them.

"Thank you o my Father for giving us your Son, and leaving your Spirit till the work on earth is done."

krinkle-pop scally-wag

i still remember the first time i saw you, you were so small and snugly,
i was so big, being 8 months pregnant with my first child, and so distant,
still grieving the loss of my most beloved pit bull, i found it hard to accept snuggles from a new puppy.
you were fuzzy like a tiny teddy bear with sparkly eyes like a creature from a great fairytale
and as you grew you became more the creature everyday, so full of life, and adventure,
yet for me all your sparkle only reminded me of the one i had lost
and i could not connect with you.

you became my husbands dog so quickly
he could connect
he was not grieving the same way i was
he saw you as the gift you were,
your own being
not to be compared
just to be loved

then came the baby and the busy-ness that come with a baby
and you were in the shadows
but you are not one to live in shadows and it was not long before you were sneaking out to give a gentle kiss to baby and mama, to bring a ball for fetch, how good you r at getting me to throw a ball even when i say no more, somehow i find the ball placed gently in my hand and two sparkly eyes peeking out of a scruffy face and the ball gets thrown, one more time.

somehow against all my defenses i found myself loving you
not because you are like my cheeka
but for all the ways you are so very very different from her.

so many dogs have come and gone since then and you have remained
our faithful loving creature girl,

then came the day i brought home a pit bull puppy
needless to say chaos reigned,
and then another pit bull enters the mix and i see my krinkle-pop retreating

now i find myself in such a tough spot because i love you
because i love my pit bulls
because i know you are not happy
and in your sadness my heart breaks

i hate that you hide in your kennel because the other dogs are to rough
i hate that after all you have given to us you feel you have to hide
i hate that to keep you is selfish
i hate that to give you away hurts so much

but i love you
i love the way you jump up and down waiting for the ball to be thrown
i love the way you sing for a treat
i love that you are so very gentle
i love that even tho i could not love you when you first came to me, you somehow tricked me into it anyway.

and because i love you i know i must let you have the life you deserve
i must choose what is best for you over what is easier for me
i must let you go.

i will always love you and because of that
i will make sure you have a family that treasures you
because you are a treasure,

and because i owe that to you.

a tiny little big girl...

tomorrow is my daughters fifth birthday.  i cant hardly believe how quickly time has passed, yet to be completely honest i also cant hardly remember life without her.

she is inviting two friends from playschool, both boys, to the party.

i only have two children, one girl and one boy, and have often felt sad that she wont have a sister when she is an adult, like i do. 

you see i love my sister so much she is a light for me when the world looks dark and scary and i have grieved for my daughter that she will never have that in her life.

 when i found out i was expecting (my son) i was so sure i would have a girl because avienda needed a sister, so imagine my surprise to find he was a boy.

 i have often wondered why she got a brother not a sister, because i have both and my big sister is a safe haven for me, while growing up with a little brother was difficult.  not because there is anything wrong with my brother, but because my parents really wanted a boy when they had me and i was always painfully aware of that fact.  there was nothing wrong with my brother in fact he was perfect, could do no wrong...  ever.

when i realised i would have a girl who would have a little brother i admit i was sad for her, i remembered how i felt unloved and unworthy, because i was not the boy my parents prized. 

it is amazing how God works His miracles in my little heart through my little ones,

you see i love both my babies, i want both of them, i need both of them, they are so very special to me and as a result they are special to each other too.  i work hard to make sure they have a relationship with each other that will stand the test of time.  when her dad and i are gone to glory they will only have each other, that is something i never forget. 

so when my daughter sneaks into her brothers room very very early in the morning and gets in trouble for waking him up, it is not tooooo much trouble, because in my mama heart i silently rejoice that she wants to be with him, he is her friend, and that is awesome.

and when she came home from playschool beaming about her new friend and i said she should invite her to the party she said in a disbelieving voice "mom he is a boy!"  like i should have known her friend was a boy all along and you know what? she was right, i should have known. 

i should have known that my beautiful princess who loves horses and dinosaurs would choose as a best friend a mischievous sparkly eyed boy who she could barely keep up to.

but i didn't know.
all the days watching her become her own person should have shown me ...  but it didn't.
seeing her play with her brother should have shown me...   but it didn't.

i was so hung up on my own hurts, my own childhood issues that i was blind to that part of who she is,

however i know now.
i know that God knew what he was doing when He gave my daughter a brother
i see them love each other, and it heals a hurt in me i have never admitted was there,
i see her love her brother and i praise God for breaking a chain of hurt in my family,
she doesn't have to be jealous of him because she is secure in her heart, she knows her mommy and her daddy love her with a crazy love,
and she knows we love her brother with a crazy love too, and that is a good thing, it doesn't take away from how much we love her, it reassures her that we have that kind of love in us, she doesn't have to question it, because she sees it everyday.

so it is no wonder her best friend is a boy, i truly should have known.

and i can put to rest my worry over her not having a sister,
she got the perfect sibling for her, God knew best, like always.

and you know what?  i'm really excited about her party, and getting to know her little friends, because i know they will be great, after all she did pick them!

a gift... ? yes a gift.

This has been a crazy time for us as a family, so many changes, so much unknown, it would have been easy to worry.

 I know I have found myself at the door to worry many times, holding the handle, about to absentmindedly enter, when i would suddenly look up and think

 "what ? why am i here?"

 i don't remember approaching this door, yet it seems natural to just go in and sit awhile...  after all, i have been here so many times it is almost comforting, i can see the inside of the room calling me to come, sit, maybe pace the floor, cry, rant, and yes, worry.

and then i hear something,  a bird singing,  the puppy crying to go outside, the kids saying they want a story, and i remember...

there is no one in the worry room but me, there is no puppy crying, no bird singing, no kids playing, there is no life,
and i make a choice,

i choose life...

with all the noise and busyness, with all the trials and sudden changes, i choose life.

and when i make that choice,
when i turn away from worrys door,

i see Him

the one i have chosen above worry,
the one who gives life,
the one who gave His life
the one who is my life

Jesus

and with Him is peace,
not the quiet of a room full of worry,
but the peace found in a room full of life

and i find i can breathe again, that the stressful times are a gift ~ because i get to choose again what i have chosen before, so many times,

 life,
peace,
and faith in the One who brings both.

and i remember that this life is small, and all to soon it will end, and eternity will begin, then what will matter is not the stress, but the choice i made in it. 

the gift. 
the giver of the gift. 
Salvation belongs to the Lord,
and He has given it to me,
and now, this stress, this chaos, these changes,

they are only a reminder,

that i can trust the one i have given my life to,
that i can have peace, not as the world has, but of God.

and i find my heart is not so troubled, nor am i afraid

tonight, right now, i remember the gift...  and i thank the giver