a puff... ...of love

i love puffs... the beautiful whimsical fluffs that float around every fall and remind me of so many things

like the time my wonderful husband caught a tiny fluff in his hand to show me, years ago, when he still wore the title fiance, and with the proud look of one who has found a true gift, said "look honey a fluff!" and i looked at his hand and said "WHERE" while secretly blowing the tiny piece of magic out of his cupped hand, sending him to catch it again and again, i don't know how many times he caught that tiny puff for me before he realised what i was doing...

and all the time i have spent catching puffs with my daughter, who squeals in delight "a wish!!! a wish!!! i caught a wish!!!!  look mommy i caught a magic wish!"

i don't know exactly when i decided in my heart that a puff floating through the air on a fall breeze was one of the many ways God shows me that He loves me. 

but i did decide..  i suppose it was one day as i watched a beautiful huge puff float right by my face just as i was about to lose my temper over some trivial thing... i stopped to look at it and was suddenly overwhelmed with how much God loves me. 

He could have made all plants send out root suckers or drop their seeds directly on the ground, or travel in the stomachs of birds,

but He didn't

he made puffs to delight the young, and the young at heart,
to chase on a beautiful fall day with my daughter,
a tiny reminder of His love right before the long cold of winter.

and so to me a puff floating through the air became a beautiful example of Gods amazing love.
a gift for me to chase and catch, or not, and hold, or not, and find delight in, either way

a reminder to me...

that magic is real...

and can be found all around me...
 in the wild colors and crazy fluttering of the butterfly,

 in the aerial expertise of the dragonfly,

 in the moth that fills the night with wonder as it drinks from the evening scented stock,

 in the croak of the bullfrog,

 in the flight of a hummingbird,

and in the whimsical puff that floats by me as i soak the last days of fall into my heart in preparation for the cold silence of winter.

if you find yourself today trapped in the silence of winter, remember the puffs that floated by us not so long ago, they have found a home now on the cold ground many miles from where they started, and are waiting...

waiting for spring and the chance to grow anew.

they have to wait for their new life, but we don't..

ours is here already, we need only to embrace it,
and the one who gave so much more than the puff waits for us to find our life in Him
i have found it,
 eternal life and the springtime of my soul
 have you?
 if not, your spiritual spring awaits...

the secret gift...

i broke my own heart this week,
i saw my selfishness,
i saw my need to control,
i saw how little compassion i have when i have no personal experience,
that if something is either black or white to me,
i have a hard time consoling the person who sees grey

and then i found myself in the terrible fog of grey
and i made a choice to end a life

and then the absoluteness of it hit me
and i tried to go back, to change my mind
but somethings cannot be undone
some choices are final
and then you have a new choice
live in the pain of regret
or
accept the grace that is offered

i accepted the grace, tho begrudgingly at first
and i found the strength to move forward
and i found compassion for those people who see the grey,
as i stood face to face with my own judgement
i saw plainly the mote in my own eye
i felt the vicious bite of my own judgement
the bitter disappointment at my hasty and selfish decision...

i know that every person has their own story
and i am realizing that i don't always see all of it
and compassion is a better response than judgment
and forgiveness reaches farther than accusation
and prayer is more important than confrontation
and love trumps them all.

and seeing all i learned i thought i understood why...
why did this happen?
why didn't i think it through better?
why did i make a choice i never ever thought i would make?
all these things i can see answers for,

but one thought lingered...
why, once i realised my mistake, and tried so quickly to change it, why was i too late?
i know that God can alter circumstances, that there could have been a delay, that a phone rings, or an emergency occurs, and just like in the movies, all is well at the very last second, and happily ever after for all...

so why not this time?
if the Lord knew that i would change my mind, that i would see through the grey to my beloved black and white so quickly then why not hold out for that decision?

that is the secret gift,
the thing i could not have known,
that in His wisdom, what happened was supposed to happen,

exactly as it had,

that the God who knows me so much more than i know myself
let me learn the lesson i needed desperately to learn
and in doing so saved me from a much bigger and much deeper grief

i should have known that i could trust Him, that He above all others, can bring life out of death,
can save the ones i love, even when my black and white personality would fight Him and His great compassion.

His GREAT compassion

i want more than anything to know that great compassion
and i want more than anything to share it with others

i had lost sight of the heart of God

and i am so relieved to be back in the arms of my savior

and to really see *even just a glimpse* of the power of love.

A moment of sin is the death of a blessing, on the day my pride ... died

Today I came face to face with exactly how wretched I am, and the sin nature that is so deeply rooted in my very being.

What lives so deep inside my heart is quite literally death.

in a moment of panic, and disbelief, i decided not to trust.

now as i mourn the loss, and look at the reasons i gave myself to make that awfull choice, i see how they pale in the light of the Holy Spirits wisdom,

i can't believe that moment even happened.

yet it did happen,
i did choose...
death over life.
and my soul wretches within me.

the Lord offered me a gift that was so very precious, and i refused it, just for a moment, but that was all it took, just a moment to break my heart completely and show me what i am.

a sinner. lost. a killer.

I don't want forgiveness, I want to sit with my guilt and shame. I want to hurt for the ones whose lives were in my hands, the tiny lives that almost were. The lives that will never be. I want to grieve for them (and for myself), I need the grace, the amazing grace, but now more than ever I see just how unworthy I am,

...and I long to hide myself from God,

like eve I find myself naked and afraid, and as the Lord calls to me, I sit silent in the shadows, longing for forgiveness and restoration of relationship...
but i'm  paralyzed by sin, and the shame that has fastened itself to my very being.
In my head I know that God forgives, in my heart I know that God forgives, in my soul I know that God forgives, and in my entire being I understand now that I don't deserve it.

and as i think of the precious gift i refused, i find myself thinking of the precious gift He has given us all, and how many refuse it.
and how many feel they don't deserve it
and how many hide in the shadows,    ... wishing,     ...hoping,  ..... but never accepting
and i remember the night i accepted that gift,
i was not worthy then and i knew it   ....then

yet somehow after all these years with my savior ...i forgot
i forgot that i didn't deserve Him
i forgot that i am wretched
i forgot that my works are as filthy rags,
that my wisdom is that of a fallen sin stained human
that all i have is only mine because of the price He paid

for me

He paid for me

not because i deserve it, because i really don't.

it was His great love for me that brought Him here

it was His great sacrifice, that washed my sin from me
and i find myself at his feet begging for what i have never deserved,
and knowing He will give it, knowing that He already has.

today i missed a blessing, but i received forgiveness.
and in that forgiveness i found a new kind of peace,
and a reminder,
 that He loves me                      
 me ....a sinner saved by grace

where ever you are on your journey through this life,
 i hope you find His forgiveness, and His peace

of christmas past... and joys untold

we lived in an old two story house with secret rooms and wooden doors, and skeleton keys.  i had two little wooden doors off of my room one on each side, one was filled with dolls and fun, the other was dark and empty, but that is for another post.
there was a room in the hallway, an ordinary linen closet almost all year...

but a few weeks before christmas it would suddenly become a mysterious place, locked up tight.

we could look through the peephole and see ribbons and bright colored paper...

and sometimes my mom  would be in there and we could hear rustling paper and scotch tape being pulled from the roll...

o how i longed for just one glimpse inside the magical room...

out my mom would come singing a familiar song

"you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, i'm telling you why..."

weeks before the big day she would start...  a quick glance to the side...

"was that an elf?"

and my little head would swing side to side "where where????? i didn't see it!!!!"

then out came the christmas wish book... o the hours pouring over the glossy pages full of wonders, until i found just the very most perfect dolly and i would rip out the picture and carry it around for weeks with me just longing for that one perfect baby to love.  my life would be perfect if i got that baby, i just knew it!

and mom would say, "if you want santa to bring you that doll you better make sure all the others are cared for, i will be up to inspect and see that they all have clothes and are tucked in safe, you have to take care of all your dollies not just the new one."

as christmas approached my excitement would grow, and every christmas song, and every elf siting set my heart racing till i was sure i would explode,

and yes i drove my mom crazy with my constant chatter, so much so that she would come home one day a week or maybe even two before christmas with a gift for me,just to keep me quiet for a few days.  i never realized as a child how much joy one can find in the complete quiet, as a mom i too cherish quiet time.

the magic of christmas was tangible in our home when i was young, i was so very sure i would see an elf if i just turned my head at the right time, and the sparkle in my moms eye was a treasure all on its own.

she made our christmas perfect every year, she was christmas for us and it was not until i spent a christmas without her that i truly understood what she had done. 

without her magic christmas died,

for years the holiday that had meant everything to me, was nothing.  a disappointment. 

then i found Jesus, or should i say, He found me, and suddenly i realised that the baby i longed for every year as a child was not to be compared with the baby we were all given for "christmas" so very long ago.

and christmas was filled with magic once again.

now as a mom i strive every year to bring the magic my mom gave to me, and the magic that my heavenly Father gave to us all.

and its hard work!  and as i decorate the tree with my children i remember being the child, and loving the decorations and the lights, and believing that anything can happen, reign deer fly, and a stranger brings gifts, and my mom loves me.

and i hope my children feel the same way.

and i miss my mom,

my christmas mom, with the sparkly eyes and the crumple of paper, and the sneaky elves.

but i also enjoy being the mom,
and knowing that this year i will see the sneaky elves, and be a stranger who give gifts,
and read the christmas story, and add to our traditions my deep faith in the One who gave His only Son, and the Son who gave His very life, so we could have our lives back, for eternity...

i have found my favorite christmas song, i will post it here and if you want you can play it...

merry christmas

of whispers and dollies and monsters a plenty...

today i had to have a serious talk with my beautiful daughter.
it was similar to when i had to explain we would no longer be seeing grandma Crossley anymore.
and she had the same question about another loved one

 ''but will we see her in heaven?"

i know the question was meant to comfort both her and i because we talk openly about the great joy of reuniting in heaven someday.

but it was not a comfort this time this time it was a reminder that not all stories have a happy ending
that some goodbyes are eternal
that we can't will someone else into faith
that we all make our choices
alone
and we all stand before God
alone

of course i was careful to explain only what i thought essential to my little girl
but i did have to say things i wish with all my heart my baby would never have had to hear
things about a broken heart
 and a broken family
 and a broken woman
 and a life filled with pain and regret

and she held me while i cried
then...
and she looked up and asked with hesitation
"but you love me right mommy?"
YES honey with all my heart
"and you will always care .....          about me...right mommy?
YES honey for all your long life i will.
and that was the simple truth.

i will make it my goal in life to raise a daughter (and a son) who knows beyond a shadow of doubt that their mother loves them with all her might, and their mother got her ability to love them that way from Jesus.

and in that act,

            ....that life long act,

i will end generations of regret.

things that sparkle

i love things that sparkle, shiny things that you find on the beach, and by the river, things that ravens steal and pile in their nests.

but as a mama i am finding there are other kinds of shiny things i love to collect,
things far more precious than stones and shells...

sparkles in the eyes of my daughter when she is so very proud of herself
mischief eyes when she thinks she has played a great trick
laughing eyes when she is so very funny
crazy eye when she is way past tired
and really did not need the cookie after supper but loved the sugar rush
the sparkle of determination as she holds her pencil in a death grip
trying to write the almost impossible "e" in her name
the glow of her stink eye when life is not fair and she doesn't want a brother anymore...

his laughing eyes when he has managed to lick me despite all my loud protests
his mischief eyes as he chases his sister around trying to lick her too
the delight in his eyes as i rush around the corner and scare him
his snarly eye when he is mad mad mad, and cute, cute, cute
sneaky eye as he hides under a blankey giggling and saying "come find me mama"...

but i am finding there is a sparkle eye that i have been collecting with more tenderness than any other,

the glitter of a teary eye,
of a tiny broken heart,
and a world that is not always fair,
even when you are small and precious,
and  as i hold those precious tears to my heart,
i cant help but think of my heavenly Father
and all the tears he has collected of mine,
and i find myself understanding if only a little, how precious i am to Him, how much He loves me, how much He hurts when i hurt, and how much He has gone through to show me His great love,

it is easy in this season to think of Jesus as a baby, yet as i watch my own children grow i am reminded that it is not easy to be a child, with no say, with no control, in a world that can be cruel and cold, and i thank God for his great great sacrifice. 

i dread the day my children will meet even one bully, and He sent His precious son to a world right full of them.

"Thank you o my Father for giving us your Son, and leaving your Spirit till the work on earth is done."

krinkle-pop scally-wag

i still remember the first time i saw you, you were so small and snugly,
i was so big, being 8 months pregnant with my first child, and so distant,
still grieving the loss of my most beloved pit bull, i found it hard to accept snuggles from a new puppy.
you were fuzzy like a tiny teddy bear with sparkly eyes like a creature from a great fairytale
and as you grew you became more the creature everyday, so full of life, and adventure,
yet for me all your sparkle only reminded me of the one i had lost
and i could not connect with you.

you became my husbands dog so quickly
he could connect
he was not grieving the same way i was
he saw you as the gift you were,
your own being
not to be compared
just to be loved

then came the baby and the busy-ness that come with a baby
and you were in the shadows
but you are not one to live in shadows and it was not long before you were sneaking out to give a gentle kiss to baby and mama, to bring a ball for fetch, how good you r at getting me to throw a ball even when i say no more, somehow i find the ball placed gently in my hand and two sparkly eyes peeking out of a scruffy face and the ball gets thrown, one more time.

somehow against all my defenses i found myself loving you
not because you are like my cheeka
but for all the ways you are so very very different from her.

so many dogs have come and gone since then and you have remained
our faithful loving creature girl,

then came the day i brought home a pit bull puppy
needless to say chaos reigned,
and then another pit bull enters the mix and i see my krinkle-pop retreating

now i find myself in such a tough spot because i love you
because i love my pit bulls
because i know you are not happy
and in your sadness my heart breaks

i hate that you hide in your kennel because the other dogs are to rough
i hate that after all you have given to us you feel you have to hide
i hate that to keep you is selfish
i hate that to give you away hurts so much

but i love you
i love the way you jump up and down waiting for the ball to be thrown
i love the way you sing for a treat
i love that you are so very gentle
i love that even tho i could not love you when you first came to me, you somehow tricked me into it anyway.

and because i love you i know i must let you have the life you deserve
i must choose what is best for you over what is easier for me
i must let you go.

i will always love you and because of that
i will make sure you have a family that treasures you
because you are a treasure,

and because i owe that to you.

a tiny little big girl...

tomorrow is my daughters fifth birthday.  i cant hardly believe how quickly time has passed, yet to be completely honest i also cant hardly remember life without her.

she is inviting two friends from playschool, both boys, to the party.

i only have two children, one girl and one boy, and have often felt sad that she wont have a sister when she is an adult, like i do. 

you see i love my sister so much she is a light for me when the world looks dark and scary and i have grieved for my daughter that she will never have that in her life.

 when i found out i was expecting (my son) i was so sure i would have a girl because avienda needed a sister, so imagine my surprise to find he was a boy.

 i have often wondered why she got a brother not a sister, because i have both and my big sister is a safe haven for me, while growing up with a little brother was difficult.  not because there is anything wrong with my brother, but because my parents really wanted a boy when they had me and i was always painfully aware of that fact.  there was nothing wrong with my brother in fact he was perfect, could do no wrong...  ever.

when i realised i would have a girl who would have a little brother i admit i was sad for her, i remembered how i felt unloved and unworthy, because i was not the boy my parents prized. 

it is amazing how God works His miracles in my little heart through my little ones,

you see i love both my babies, i want both of them, i need both of them, they are so very special to me and as a result they are special to each other too.  i work hard to make sure they have a relationship with each other that will stand the test of time.  when her dad and i are gone to glory they will only have each other, that is something i never forget. 

so when my daughter sneaks into her brothers room very very early in the morning and gets in trouble for waking him up, it is not tooooo much trouble, because in my mama heart i silently rejoice that she wants to be with him, he is her friend, and that is awesome.

and when she came home from playschool beaming about her new friend and i said she should invite her to the party she said in a disbelieving voice "mom he is a boy!"  like i should have known her friend was a boy all along and you know what? she was right, i should have known. 

i should have known that my beautiful princess who loves horses and dinosaurs would choose as a best friend a mischievous sparkly eyed boy who she could barely keep up to.

but i didn't know.
all the days watching her become her own person should have shown me ...  but it didn't.
seeing her play with her brother should have shown me...   but it didn't.

i was so hung up on my own hurts, my own childhood issues that i was blind to that part of who she is,

however i know now.
i know that God knew what he was doing when He gave my daughter a brother
i see them love each other, and it heals a hurt in me i have never admitted was there,
i see her love her brother and i praise God for breaking a chain of hurt in my family,
she doesn't have to be jealous of him because she is secure in her heart, she knows her mommy and her daddy love her with a crazy love,
and she knows we love her brother with a crazy love too, and that is a good thing, it doesn't take away from how much we love her, it reassures her that we have that kind of love in us, she doesn't have to question it, because she sees it everyday.

so it is no wonder her best friend is a boy, i truly should have known.

and i can put to rest my worry over her not having a sister,
she got the perfect sibling for her, God knew best, like always.

and you know what?  i'm really excited about her party, and getting to know her little friends, because i know they will be great, after all she did pick them!

a gift... ? yes a gift.

This has been a crazy time for us as a family, so many changes, so much unknown, it would have been easy to worry.

 I know I have found myself at the door to worry many times, holding the handle, about to absentmindedly enter, when i would suddenly look up and think

 "what ? why am i here?"

 i don't remember approaching this door, yet it seems natural to just go in and sit awhile...  after all, i have been here so many times it is almost comforting, i can see the inside of the room calling me to come, sit, maybe pace the floor, cry, rant, and yes, worry.

and then i hear something,  a bird singing,  the puppy crying to go outside, the kids saying they want a story, and i remember...

there is no one in the worry room but me, there is no puppy crying, no bird singing, no kids playing, there is no life,
and i make a choice,

i choose life...

with all the noise and busyness, with all the trials and sudden changes, i choose life.

and when i make that choice,
when i turn away from worrys door,

i see Him

the one i have chosen above worry,
the one who gives life,
the one who gave His life
the one who is my life

Jesus

and with Him is peace,
not the quiet of a room full of worry,
but the peace found in a room full of life

and i find i can breathe again, that the stressful times are a gift ~ because i get to choose again what i have chosen before, so many times,

 life,
peace,
and faith in the One who brings both.

and i remember that this life is small, and all to soon it will end, and eternity will begin, then what will matter is not the stress, but the choice i made in it. 

the gift. 
the giver of the gift. 
Salvation belongs to the Lord,
and He has given it to me,
and now, this stress, this chaos, these changes,

they are only a reminder,

that i can trust the one i have given my life to,
that i can have peace, not as the world has, but of God.

and i find my heart is not so troubled, nor am i afraid

tonight, right now, i remember the gift...  and i thank the giver

the mom of my heart...

for weeks it has been one disaster or another, one fight or another, i have found myself exhausted, physically sick, and bracing for what will come next,

 longing for quiet.

my heart has been broken by the one woman who should have cherished me.    

 .... the mother of my youth taught me that life is hard and anger is the only response people will ever respect.

I made my way in the world mostly sarcastic, sometimes funny, almost always alone, until i met someone i had longed to know yet hardly believed existed

 "MOM"

she took me in and chose to love me as one of her own,

 in her home i learned that kindness and honesty are the things people respect,

and that if i was hurt i could just be hurt,

 i didn't need to turn it into anger,

 i didn't need to seek vengeance or find someone to blame,

 i could choose to just be honest with myself and others. 

I could take my hurt to Jesus and give it to him, but i must always remember to leave it there.

She worked tirelessly to show me the love of Jesus through the love of a mom, no strings and no expectations.  She never once demanded respect from me, nor did she have to, I loved and respected her for who she was.  Even years later when I would find myself calling her for advice, her words were always truth and light, spoken in love. So even if they were not necessarily the words i wanted to hear, i left the conversation closer to her and closer to our Lord.

She was my mom, she was a rock in uncertain times and a constant reminder of the great love of Jesus and the promise of heaven. 

She went to heaven on Jan 31 of this year,

and her faith was so strong and her conviction so great that my first response was to think "i can finally find out about heaven!  I can finally email someone who is actually there and ask all kinds of questions..."

and then it hit me that while she was most definitely there I could not ask her about it, in fact I could not ask her another thing for all the rest of this earthly life.

 And so began a deep sadness that has followed me these past months.  At first it was a constant companion holding my hand no matter how i struggled, sitting in the chair that was once exclusively reserved for joy, then, as time went on, it moved from front and center of my life to a small dark corner in my heart.

sometimes i think it may be gone all together, then a situation comes up, the kind of situation that would have had me on the phone to ask for prayer and it lunges from the corner and grabs me once more around the throat    ...and i can hardly breathe.

this week has been one situation after another and gasping for breath, I miss my mom. 

yet amid the grief this time around i am finding something new, creeping in to ease the grip of grief, is peace, not the peace of the world but the peace of the Lord, the peace that passes all understanding.  I can not ask my mom for prayer, but i can pray, i can not ask her for advice, but i can read the same words that she read for many years, i can count on the same Holy Spirit that she relied so heavily on. 

so while my world swirls around me and there are more questions than answers,

 i stop,

and stand,

face turned to heaven,

 and take a moment to thank my Lord for Mrs. Jean Crossley, the mother of my heart, and i know that i will see her again, i will have a chance to say every unsaid thing, and i can wait, because she taught me patience, and i know that to live my life fully and honestly with love and kindness is to honor her and her gift to me.

i miss you...                                                          mom