a puff... ...of love

i love puffs... the beautiful whimsical fluffs that float around every fall and remind me of so many things

like the time my wonderful husband caught a tiny fluff in his hand to show me, years ago, when he still wore the title fiance, and with the proud look of one who has found a true gift, said "look honey a fluff!" and i looked at his hand and said "WHERE" while secretly blowing the tiny piece of magic out of his cupped hand, sending him to catch it again and again, i don't know how many times he caught that tiny puff for me before he realised what i was doing...

and all the time i have spent catching puffs with my daughter, who squeals in delight "a wish!!! a wish!!! i caught a wish!!!!  look mommy i caught a magic wish!"

i don't know exactly when i decided in my heart that a puff floating through the air on a fall breeze was one of the many ways God shows me that He loves me. 

but i did decide..  i suppose it was one day as i watched a beautiful huge puff float right by my face just as i was about to lose my temper over some trivial thing... i stopped to look at it and was suddenly overwhelmed with how much God loves me. 

He could have made all plants send out root suckers or drop their seeds directly on the ground, or travel in the stomachs of birds,

but He didn't

he made puffs to delight the young, and the young at heart,
to chase on a beautiful fall day with my daughter,
a tiny reminder of His love right before the long cold of winter.

and so to me a puff floating through the air became a beautiful example of Gods amazing love.
a gift for me to chase and catch, or not, and hold, or not, and find delight in, either way

a reminder to me...

that magic is real...

and can be found all around me...
 in the wild colors and crazy fluttering of the butterfly,

 in the aerial expertise of the dragonfly,

 in the moth that fills the night with wonder as it drinks from the evening scented stock,

 in the croak of the bullfrog,

 in the flight of a hummingbird,

and in the whimsical puff that floats by me as i soak the last days of fall into my heart in preparation for the cold silence of winter.

if you find yourself today trapped in the silence of winter, remember the puffs that floated by us not so long ago, they have found a home now on the cold ground many miles from where they started, and are waiting...

waiting for spring and the chance to grow anew.

they have to wait for their new life, but we don't..

ours is here already, we need only to embrace it,
and the one who gave so much more than the puff waits for us to find our life in Him
i have found it,
 eternal life and the springtime of my soul
 have you?
 if not, your spiritual spring awaits...

the secret gift...

i broke my own heart this week,
i saw my selfishness,
i saw my need to control,
i saw how little compassion i have when i have no personal experience,
that if something is either black or white to me,
i have a hard time consoling the person who sees grey

and then i found myself in the terrible fog of grey
and i made a choice to end a life

and then the absoluteness of it hit me
and i tried to go back, to change my mind
but somethings cannot be undone
some choices are final
and then you have a new choice
live in the pain of regret
or
accept the grace that is offered

i accepted the grace, tho begrudgingly at first
and i found the strength to move forward
and i found compassion for those people who see the grey,
as i stood face to face with my own judgement
i saw plainly the mote in my own eye
i felt the vicious bite of my own judgement
the bitter disappointment at my hasty and selfish decision...

i know that every person has their own story
and i am realizing that i don't always see all of it
and compassion is a better response than judgment
and forgiveness reaches farther than accusation
and prayer is more important than confrontation
and love trumps them all.

and seeing all i learned i thought i understood why...
why did this happen?
why didn't i think it through better?
why did i make a choice i never ever thought i would make?
all these things i can see answers for,

but one thought lingered...
why, once i realised my mistake, and tried so quickly to change it, why was i too late?
i know that God can alter circumstances, that there could have been a delay, that a phone rings, or an emergency occurs, and just like in the movies, all is well at the very last second, and happily ever after for all...

so why not this time?
if the Lord knew that i would change my mind, that i would see through the grey to my beloved black and white so quickly then why not hold out for that decision?

that is the secret gift,
the thing i could not have known,
that in His wisdom, what happened was supposed to happen,

exactly as it had,

that the God who knows me so much more than i know myself
let me learn the lesson i needed desperately to learn
and in doing so saved me from a much bigger and much deeper grief

i should have known that i could trust Him, that He above all others, can bring life out of death,
can save the ones i love, even when my black and white personality would fight Him and His great compassion.

His GREAT compassion

i want more than anything to know that great compassion
and i want more than anything to share it with others

i had lost sight of the heart of God

and i am so relieved to be back in the arms of my savior

and to really see *even just a glimpse* of the power of love.

A moment of sin is the death of a blessing, on the day my pride ... died

Today I came face to face with exactly how wretched I am, and the sin nature that is so deeply rooted in my very being.

What lives so deep inside my heart is quite literally death.

in a moment of panic, and disbelief, i decided not to trust.

now as i mourn the loss, and look at the reasons i gave myself to make that awfull choice, i see how they pale in the light of the Holy Spirits wisdom,

i can't believe that moment even happened.

yet it did happen,
i did choose...
death over life.
and my soul wretches within me.

the Lord offered me a gift that was so very precious, and i refused it, just for a moment, but that was all it took, just a moment to break my heart completely and show me what i am.

a sinner. lost. a killer.

I don't want forgiveness, I want to sit with my guilt and shame. I want to hurt for the ones whose lives were in my hands, the tiny lives that almost were. The lives that will never be. I want to grieve for them (and for myself), I need the grace, the amazing grace, but now more than ever I see just how unworthy I am,

...and I long to hide myself from God,

like eve I find myself naked and afraid, and as the Lord calls to me, I sit silent in the shadows, longing for forgiveness and restoration of relationship...
but i'm  paralyzed by sin, and the shame that has fastened itself to my very being.
In my head I know that God forgives, in my heart I know that God forgives, in my soul I know that God forgives, and in my entire being I understand now that I don't deserve it.

and as i think of the precious gift i refused, i find myself thinking of the precious gift He has given us all, and how many refuse it.
and how many feel they don't deserve it
and how many hide in the shadows,    ... wishing,     ...hoping,  ..... but never accepting
and i remember the night i accepted that gift,
i was not worthy then and i knew it   ....then

yet somehow after all these years with my savior ...i forgot
i forgot that i didn't deserve Him
i forgot that i am wretched
i forgot that my works are as filthy rags,
that my wisdom is that of a fallen sin stained human
that all i have is only mine because of the price He paid

for me

He paid for me

not because i deserve it, because i really don't.

it was His great love for me that brought Him here

it was His great sacrifice, that washed my sin from me
and i find myself at his feet begging for what i have never deserved,
and knowing He will give it, knowing that He already has.

today i missed a blessing, but i received forgiveness.
and in that forgiveness i found a new kind of peace,
and a reminder,
 that He loves me                      
 me ....a sinner saved by grace

where ever you are on your journey through this life,
 i hope you find His forgiveness, and His peace

of christmas past... and joys untold

we lived in an old two story house with secret rooms and wooden doors, and skeleton keys.  i had two little wooden doors off of my room one on each side, one was filled with dolls and fun, the other was dark and empty, but that is for another post.
there was a room in the hallway, an ordinary linen closet almost all year...

but a few weeks before christmas it would suddenly become a mysterious place, locked up tight.

we could look through the peephole and see ribbons and bright colored paper...

and sometimes my mom  would be in there and we could hear rustling paper and scotch tape being pulled from the roll...

o how i longed for just one glimpse inside the magical room...

out my mom would come singing a familiar song

"you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, i'm telling you why..."

weeks before the big day she would start...  a quick glance to the side...

"was that an elf?"

and my little head would swing side to side "where where????? i didn't see it!!!!"

then out came the christmas wish book... o the hours pouring over the glossy pages full of wonders, until i found just the very most perfect dolly and i would rip out the picture and carry it around for weeks with me just longing for that one perfect baby to love.  my life would be perfect if i got that baby, i just knew it!

and mom would say, "if you want santa to bring you that doll you better make sure all the others are cared for, i will be up to inspect and see that they all have clothes and are tucked in safe, you have to take care of all your dollies not just the new one."

as christmas approached my excitement would grow, and every christmas song, and every elf siting set my heart racing till i was sure i would explode,

and yes i drove my mom crazy with my constant chatter, so much so that she would come home one day a week or maybe even two before christmas with a gift for me,just to keep me quiet for a few days.  i never realized as a child how much joy one can find in the complete quiet, as a mom i too cherish quiet time.

the magic of christmas was tangible in our home when i was young, i was so very sure i would see an elf if i just turned my head at the right time, and the sparkle in my moms eye was a treasure all on its own.

she made our christmas perfect every year, she was christmas for us and it was not until i spent a christmas without her that i truly understood what she had done. 

without her magic christmas died,

for years the holiday that had meant everything to me, was nothing.  a disappointment. 

then i found Jesus, or should i say, He found me, and suddenly i realised that the baby i longed for every year as a child was not to be compared with the baby we were all given for "christmas" so very long ago.

and christmas was filled with magic once again.

now as a mom i strive every year to bring the magic my mom gave to me, and the magic that my heavenly Father gave to us all.

and its hard work!  and as i decorate the tree with my children i remember being the child, and loving the decorations and the lights, and believing that anything can happen, reign deer fly, and a stranger brings gifts, and my mom loves me.

and i hope my children feel the same way.

and i miss my mom,

my christmas mom, with the sparkly eyes and the crumple of paper, and the sneaky elves.

but i also enjoy being the mom,
and knowing that this year i will see the sneaky elves, and be a stranger who give gifts,
and read the christmas story, and add to our traditions my deep faith in the One who gave His only Son, and the Son who gave His very life, so we could have our lives back, for eternity...

i have found my favorite christmas song, i will post it here and if you want you can play it...

merry christmas