yesterday

she turned six
my tiny baby bird who used to need me for everything
as we walked thru the mall to build-a-bear with her two new friends from school
she didn't hold my hand
she just walked along with her two besties
all excited about her big adventure
and being six

and my hand felt ~empty~
and i did the math while we walked
6 years
that's one third of my time with her in my home
one third is done already
and i suddenly realised how very quickly it ends
all my moments with her are so precious
and so fleeting

she is so wonderful
my beautiful daughter
so caring
so filled with life and emotion
with a short fuse, yet so quick to forgive
always making sure someone isn't left out
wanting to make a friend of the bully so he will learn how to be a friend
and making a friend of that bully
maybe his only one
yet setting boundaries "if you push my other friends on the ground, i cant be your friend, you have to be nice"

i am crying as i write this and she noticed and came over with a note that was
just the word MAMA with a picture of a broken heart
she wanted me to write on the back why i am sad so she could help me feel better.
i drew her little with a arrow to her big
she understood immediately
and is now working on "the Avienda shrink machine"

sometimes i can not even believe how much God has blessed me

she is now getting into the shrink machine, so off i go to get my tiny baby bird back :)

happy sixth birthday my sweet baby bird!
i love you more than i could ever begin to express

thankyou

i cant get my blog to allow me to comment on it, but i have been so blessed by the comments i have received i just want to say thank you.  i read every comment and am so very blessed by them.  i also want to say the tiny birds that have claimed my yard are house finches, they have had several little families this summer and all the babies come to my yard, they learn to sing, they bath in a bowl on my table, they fly all crooked and proud, and their mama and their papa feed them on my garden arch.  i also have sparrows aplenty, i know some people don't like them as they are bossy and messy, but my kids are bossy and messy to, so that doesn't bother me a bit.  i love the sparrows and they seem to like me too, they will nap in a fuzzy pile on my bench.  and i cant help but remember every time i see a little bossy grey sparrow throwing my seed all over, that not a single one falls from the sky the our Father doesn't know.  truly i am so blessed this summer, even with hail and wind and slug (still just the one) now aphids and grasshoppers, my garden blesses me, and my kids, and my birds.
so once again, thankyou for reading, and thankyou for commenting even tho i can't comment, i am blessed.

mommys garden makeover

well i remade the garden...

my wonderful husband who also happens to be a most excellent daddy made a tiny faerie arch that very closely mirrored the big one gracing my garden

and Lowe's supplied all kinds on mint and lemon balm and oregano at 70 cents a pot

my trips to the tilly and my sense of whimsy added all kinds of faerie furnishings

and imagination did the rest

when she heard about the lettuce she cried

when she walked out to the garden

she bent quietly down and looked thru the arch

and

sitting in front of the faeries garden,

bent low and completely silent i wondered if i had done enough

then she says in aww

"oh mommy i wish i could shrink down and go inside,

 i could walk the path and maybe go visit  frogs house."

and i understood

i had done enough

i had healed the broken

this time anyway

and i thanked the One who heals the broken every time

what i never told you before

is that while in the middle of pulling the flattened lettuce out

i found a slug

only one

but had it not hailed...

well nature would have done a whole other makeover.

natures garden makeover

i planted a garden this year

it was a big deal, my husband had to make me a garden first

we planted trees

we built a fence

and my daughter and i planted the seeds

and we watered...          and we waited...            and waited

when you are five a garden takes a long time to grow

when you are 39 a garden takes a long time to grow
but it finally paid off

we made an oasis with our bare hands, and sweat, and muscle, and determination

she was so excited that finally after all the waiting we would eat the veggies we had worked so hard to grow
and she ate a few pieces of lettuce and loved them

then she went to grandpas for a holiday
and while she was gone,
nature did a garden makeover

nature is brutal

and her destruction is complete in the tiny lettuce patch

and i was heartbroken
for my garden
and for my daughter

there will be no lettuce when she comes home

and as i sat ~ stunned ~ in the midst of the garden massacre,
something dawned
a new idea
a freedom that comes from knowing i can't make it worse
but maybe
just maybe
i can make it better

maybe i can make magic where destruction has been a victor

maybe she will come home to an enchanted garden
maybe....

so i start,

with only an idea
a hope
a dream

this epic garden makeover will continue in my next post...

the missing...

i was sitting at my computer,
recently moved to in front of the window so when i look up i can see my birds.
it was getting dark and as i glanced up
i saw the darkness rolling in,
the clouds swirling,
a storm is coming,
i feel it in my aching collarbone,
but even more i can feel it in my very being.
i watch the clouds roll, while my dear friends blogs mix pod plays in the background,
i love her blog, i love her heart, and i love her mix pod, she somehow finds the music of my heart,
if i ever figure out how i will post a link here.
i don't know the song but these words come wafting over the airways as i watch the storm approach
"give me Jesus, you can have all this world, give me Jesus"
and for a moment i can almost see through the veil that separates this world from heaven
and my heart is overwhelmed
and i suddenly see how very close my dear friend in heaven is
and how very far away
and i miss her
i miss her with a renewed grief that wants to pull me under

and i think how she would love my yard

and how she would know the real name of my

songbird i named tangerine

and i am so happy to have had her

and i miss her so much

as i watch the clouds swirling
i feel my heart do the same
a storm is coming

and already i miss the sun

but i remember

 "give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world, give me Jesus"
and i look through the storm ...   the sun is coming

the Son has come

my fathers hands, and other memories

i don't have alot of memories of my dad,
when i was young he was working,
when i was older it was complicated,
but i do have some
and i cherish them

building me a bike from parts found in a jumble at grandpas
going for a walk down the gravel road
exploring the old school house
there was a bee
he protected me
holding his big hand with my little one

being stranded on the roof of one of the farm buildings
(it was a bit to high to take off in flight from, the fence worked better)
him rescuing me
taking apart the rabbit run
my tooth is still chipped
the swimming pool he put up for us even tho he was not a swimmer
the hours he spent keeping it clean and usable
watching him put the drops in the tiny bottles to see if it was safe for us to swim
the firepit and roasting wieners
he was always so good at the roasting
him telling me there was one boy i could not date
dating him anyway only to find his advice was sound

my dad didn't talk alot
at least not to me
but when he did he had something to say worth hearing
i only wish i had listened more closely

for a time we were not close
for a time i thought he did not love me at all
for a time i thought i did not love him either
i was wrong
on both counts

now as i watch him grandfather my little ones
i am amazed at how he loves them
and i am sad i lost so much time
and i am glad to be making new memories

walking up the steep hill behind his house
him holding my not so tiny hand in his still very large one
picking rocks on the beach
the waterfall (and seeing it in two very different seasons)

the view from the playhouse
more moss than my creative mind knows what to do with

Christmas morning while my little ones eat chocolate (and so do i)
cheesies

lola injuring my precious gypsy
him worrying about how i will react
a cup of coffee and homemade bread
that he made

soup made from a box of weeds
garden gnomes
his sense of humor
his love of nature
that i love it too

my dad has been many things to me in my life
but there are three words that best describe him now
grandpa
dad
friend

i am truly blessed ~ and i finally understand that.
i love you dad

a plea for spring

my mind is turned to darker things
when all around old winter sings
he should have long been fast asleep
yet on he rages cold and deep

spring is lost in winters hold
and all around we feel the cold
grey the sky and white the ground
which should have long ago been crowned
in crocuses and daffodils
with sunshine on my window sills

i long to put my hands in earth
to plant the seeds and see their birth
to watch the gardens life break through
to bask in sunshine, stand in dew

to walk along the forest floor
all those places to explore
moss on ground and tree alike
o how i long to take a hike

dark is my mood on days like this
and sad my heart, when spring i miss
black i wear to mourn her loss
all the night i turn and toss

i don't know what could lift my heart
when winter still just will not part
everyday that snow remains
spring has lost and winter gained

a day, then two, now four, then ten
when will i feel the sun again?

on my deck i long to be,
the sunshine falling down on me
a cup of coffee in my hand
with children playing in the sand

spring please come, please here my plea
and set things right as they should be
knock old winter off his seat
and let us feel your wondrous heat

bring new life, bring new hope
help us all to learn to cope
in this our time of desperate need
spring please come ~ and with all speed

facebook for cars? a mothers perspective

recently i was involved in a facebook discussion about the tiny stick man families that people post on their rear windows.
i was surprised at how many people are offended by these
someone even went so far as to say ugh puke...

i was shocked and bewildered

and i started thinking about why it bothered me so much, why i was thinking about these over the top reactions

and i suppose my own over reaction as well

when i realised we often react not to someone else, but to what we have hidden deep in our own hearts

when my son was 17 months old he took his fathers medication, to be honest he would most certainly have died had his 3 year old sister not come running to mommy telling me not just that he took it. but what exact pill he had taken.

we were in the ambulance on the way to the children's hospital, he was bright red, with a fever rising by the moment, limp in my arms except for the seizures...

and i could see perfectly out the back window, i could see the faces of the drivers
i could see there frustration ~ we were in their way
i watched as they tried to veer around us
i watched as they scowled
i saw them swearing...   they were going to be late and that was my fault

and i remember looking down at my tiny littleman and knowing there was a very real chance he would slip away. torn from my life.  right there. in that hot. cramped. ambulance.

surrounded by strangers

who did not care,
whose only thought was that they wished they were in front of us

and i thought to myself
i wish they could see
i wish they could see what this ambulance carried
i wish they could see my baby limp like a rag doll in his mamas arms
i wish they could see the fear in his mamas eyes
i wish they could see the pain, the moments that might be his last

maybe they would soften their hearts if they knew our story
maybe getting to work, or the spa, or home for lunch,
late
is not the worst thing that could happen

and my mind was changed forever in those scary moments

to me a car is not just an obstacle
it carries life...
and a sticker of a stick family reminds me that someones whole world is riding in that car
it doesn't bother me
it doesn't entertain me
it doesn't tell me their political views

but it does tell me their world view
one dad one mom one girl two boys and two dogs
their whole world

and i can understand that world
and i can respect that
and i can appreciate that
i can even be a couple minutes late...   
for that

everyone has a story
we just tell it in diffrent ways

so many thoughts that tangle me...

so much has happened in the world, and in my life, that i find myself lost for words, at least lost for meaningful words which is what i strive to share,
especially in this ~ a public venue. 
my heart breaks for the people of Japan, and has yet to heal for the people of Haiti
i have read about people blaming God for these tragedies, and worse yet i have read about people crediting Him with them, like that is somehow better.

it has made me think...

i know that hell is a real place,
i know that those who choose to reject God spend eternity there
i know God is all powerful,
and can make all kinds of things
both pleasant and painful happen
for His purpose.

i understand believers wanting to warn people of the reality of eternity
i think we need to look at the world around us and remember we are mortal
we need also to look to Jesus and remember we are immortal

we will all live for eternity
the choice we have is where we spend it

yet i think back to my salvation moment, and i realise something,
i didn't make my choice to surrender to Jesus so i could spend eternity in heaven
and i didn't make my eternal choice to avoid hell either

for me it was not about the where
it was about the who...

when i finally saw with understanding how very much God loved me
when i finally realised the absolute agony He went through
when i finally wrapped my head and heart around the fact He did it for me
i chose the who
i chose the one who loved me so much...
that He came, here..
He lived in the messy world of humans
He loved the unlovable, as a man, and as God
He walked the earth,
saw the sin, the shame,
He was hated, and loved
He was offered it all,
and refused
He chose obedience in a way i will never fully comprehend
He chose the cross and the tomb
to die as a traitor,
to pay the price a traitor must pay

why?
for me...
so i could choose Him
so i could choose life,
and love,
and acceptance,
and forgiveness,
and peace

so i made my choice....

~JESUS~

i chose Jesus because of love
not fear

i wonder how many people truly choose salvation based on fear of hell..

it seems to me people run from fear
and run to love

and God loves every single one of us

i think it is hard to resist love,
so why do we try to compel with fear?

"though i speak with the tongues of men and angels, and have not love, i am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
and though i have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge, and tho i have all faith, so that i could remove mountains, and have not love, i am nothing."
1Corinthians 13:1,2

seems like we spend to much time choosing other venues,
when love is the one thing that can show the world who Jesus is. 

i don't weep for "Japan"
i weep for the woman searching for her husband
i weep for the mom who stands in line to have her baby scanned for radiation
i weep for the child who has no mama and no papa, and no answers
i weep for the man who sits alone in a shelter full of people, with no family, no home and no hope.

why would anyone give the loving God i cling to "credit" for that?
i believe God weeps with me for the people of Japan

One Beautiful Life: A Giveaway for World Down Syndrome Day!

One Beautiful Life: A Giveaway for World Down Syndrome Day!: "For just over a year after Ella was born I contemplated my role as an advocate. I knew that I needed to be one but I wasn't really sure why...."

a change... for life

so i have been pretty quiet on my blog lately, not because i have nothing to say, but because i have been doing, instead of saying for the last while.  so much has happened both good and bad, but ultimately all good i suppose since all things work together for good for those who follow Jesus and that includes me...

i realised that while i was happy with my life, i was also being more of a spectator than a participant, and so i have started to do, not just say i want to do, but actually do

i have started exercising, which i know many people do every new years for a month or two, but i have never been much of a new years resolution girl, i am much more "make a resolution and keep it, or don't make it" girl, so not a new years thing, a lifestyle thing

in keeping with the get healthy to live my life attitude, i have cut out almost all sugar, most fat, and my beloved creamer for my coffee....

a step i swore i would never ever take, and i gotta say the first few days drinking coffee with milk and splenda,
 i was glad i was a ~ get it done, to stubborn to quit girl,

 because the creamer called, crooned, sang, whispered and finally really screeched

~but i resisted~

and after awhile i got used to the new coffee, it was not as tasty, not as creamy, not as sweet, but it was still hot and filled with caffeine, and while whole milk is not international delight, it was sorta creamy

and i noticed two things right away
i lost 9 pounds in one week
and i felt ~better~
the coffee with all the creamy sugary gunk in it was supposed to be a treat to start my day
and it smelled like one
and it felt like one in the warm cup on cold hands
and it tasted like one
but there was something i didn't see about it while i was drinking it
it made my queasy
it made me slower
it took the place of breakfast
and
it made me fat
which made me slower
and grumpy
i found it hard to play with my kids
i didn't want to sit on the floor
i didn't want to chase them
i didn't want to go for a walk
i was always tired

just a few days without this thing i thought was vital to my existence and i felt
better
faster
hungry, for actual food
i felt like chasing my babies
i sit on the floor with them to read a book
i bought an elliptical, well i should say my husband bought me an elliptical because he always encourages me in what i want to do, always wants to see me succeed

and i started using it

every single day

i have missed one day since i got it, yesterday, when i decided scrubbing the house was a good enough workout

i started eating fresh food
i have always fed it to the kids, they love veggies and fruit
i never ate it myself because it is so expensive
but i have decided that i am important
to my husband
to my kids
to my sister
to my friends
and to Jesus
and i need to take care of me

i was feeling very good
and so i upped the anty
i switched from whole milk to 2% in my coffee
i now drink tea
but i love tea so it really isn't a hardship
i will never go back to the creamer
because i now see the international delight for what it is
a stealer of my life

i choose life
and i have lost 20lbs

what i love about...

my husband
*that he encourages every crazy idea i get
*that he loves what i create
*that he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep in every week
*that he makes supper half the time even when i don't give him credit for it
*that he works long hours to support his family
*that he cares about his work and does his best, even when no one is watching
*that he admits his mistakes and doesn't blame others
*that he loves his kids soooo much
*that he will wear sparkly wings and pearls, just to make his daughter smile
*that his face is so very expressive and moldable
*that he has a gorgeous smile
*that he thinks he is funny... and i usually agree
*that he helps me around the house
*that he will look after our kids when i have a headache
*that he will look after our kids when i need to go create
*that he doesn't call it babysitting, he calls it being dad
*that he reads my blog even tho he would rather be looking at bikes
*that his dog matches mine so very nicely
*that he loves me, even when i am unlovable
*that he has integrity
*that he loves Jesus
*that he makes a great mad face when we are out and someone is disrespectful
*that he protects the kids, and his wife
*that he has sparkly eyes and a strong masculine face
*that he loves my family
*that he knows me
*that he is kind
*that he has a great butt :)

my daughter
*how she mothers her brother
*the way she forgives
*her sparkly eyes
*her mischief face
*her laugh
*her drawings
*her compassion
*the sounds she makes when she plays dinosaurs
*that she loves faeries
*that she loves dragons
*that she loves her brother
*her hands
*her cowgirl attitude
*her beautiful long hair
*the way she picks such colorful outfits
*her tiny kisses
*the way she saves up my kisses in her heart
*her stories
*her silly jokes
*her teacher voice
*her imagination
*the way she loves
*the way she sleeps so peaceful and sprawled out
*her printing
*her dancing
*her singing a made up song just for me
*her hugs

my son
*his super cuteness
*the way he runs
*the way he makes train sounds
*the way he sneaks up behind me to give me a snuggle
*his slobbery kisses
*his crazy lick face
*his Independence
*his sense of humor
*his eyes
*his smile
*the way he reminds me of his daddy
*the way he reminds me of my daddy
*his sensitive gentle spirit
*his laugh
*his excitement
*his imagination
*his super hero underwear, and the fact he wants to wear them
*the way he apologizes from his heart
*how he forgives
*his cheeks
*his belly
*the way he loves water
*when he sings
*his fake sad face
*his fake cute face
*his scrunched up smile
*his scared face
*how he loved to be scared
*the way he says "i love you mommy"

my sister
*her laugh
*the way we both sound like our mother
*that she is always there for me
*that she prays for me
*that she prays for what i need not what i want
*her smile
*her compassion
*her children
*her wisdom
*the way she shares her wisdom with kindness
*her servants heart
*the way she loves my kids
*that i have gotten to know her
*that she accepts me as i am not as she thinks i should be
*that she is a kindred spirit
*that she loves Jesus
*her creativity
*the way she organizes her fabric
*that she sews so beautifully
*that she sews things for me
*that she sews things for my family
*that being in her home feels like home
*playing dollies with her
*her sense of humor
*her ipad (jealous)
*that she loves her dogs
*watching her get excited about horses
*her cooking
*that she is honest
*that she has integrity
*that she speaks truth into the lives of those who surround her
*that she blesses me
*that she blesses my family

my mom
*her sense of humor
*that i can so perfectly mimic her stern voice
*her gardens
*the way she made christmas
*her blue eyes
*her love of birds
*her compassion
*the way she has worked to make her life what it is
*the way she knew if a finger shadow was touching her when she was tanning
*the hummingbird in the flower
*her laugh
*her spark
*her hands
*her stories
*patty watty watty watty watty
*that when push comes to shove ~ family is first
*that i can tell her the truth and i know she will tell me exactly what she thinks
*her love of dolls
*her artists heart, and that she gave it to me, and my daughter
*that she respects the earth
*the way she makes each place she lives more beautiful when she leaves than when she arrived
*"wreck wreck wreck" and how it still makes my daughter laugh
*having tea with "dunkers"
* the dresses she sewed me and how they twirled
*my rag dolls
*her love of flowers
*that she is my mom, through good and bad

this is just a small list of some of the people i love and some of the many things i love about them...  it really is the people, not the things, that make life rich.

over a year and barely a moment

it is over a year now since we said goodbye, and barely a moment passes that you are not remembered.
so many moments spent thanking God for the time we had,
so many things i wish i could have shared with you,
so many moments spent missing you

so much advice i wish you could have given me

a whole year...
a year without fresh garden tomatoes,
delivered with love
and paid for with tea and a visit

a year without email updates on family and friends
i am left wondering how Mrs. Tindale is...
among others...

a year full to bursting with blessings, and grief...

i have made it through a whole year without you
and that in itself is sad to me.

i painted my kitchen, i think you would like it

i am learning to embrace color, i really have no choice as my daughter loves all colors, the more color the more beautiful a thing can be

my son loves trains, and strawberry shortcake (the doll and the dessert)

i got a puppy ~ she is all grown up now
frank got a puppy ~ he is half grown as well

i found peace ~ it slipped away ~ i found it again, for a moment

my daughter started school, playschool, but a big deal for her
kindergarten next year ~french immersion~

my son painted his room ~ with sticky, stinky yellow soap, which is better than what he used last time

my garden was beautiful, i know you would have loved it...

so many stories told to others, but not to you

a whole long year has passed here without you,
i suppose it is different for you,
eternity understood, in the presence of our Lord
a moment in forever...

but here it is a long time....
and i still miss you

the quiet....

the chinook is over,
the snow has been falling for a day now and the ground shows no sign of the warmth of just two days ago
everything is white
i have never liked winter, so cold and icy..
but this year am trying to change my own mind, something i am seldom good at doing...

when the chinook blew and the air felt like spring i was elated
but in my heart i knew that no matter how much it felt like spring...

it was not spring
it was a trick
cold was coming again
winter was not retreating yet

and so as my head raged with the chinook migraine and tried to make me hide in a dark room, i ventured out
i would not miss this short warm interlude
and everyday that i went out in a tshirt and jeans, and a pointy hat
i knew winter had lost....    that day
as i sat on the deck, in a chair that i refused to put away in the fall,
and drank a cup of hot tea...
i laughed

it may not be spring, but it reminds me that spring is coming
and every warm day is one less day for winter to rage

and then the snow began to fall...
and fall...
and this morning when i opened the door to let the dogs out ~ it was all back
all the snow that had been claimed by the chinook had been replaced
by a new fresh white fluffy layer
and i noticed something

the quiet

it is like somehow the snow has hushed the earth,
at least this tiny part of it...
and i sighed a sigh of relief

i could no longer see the huge hole the dogs had dug ~in the sand box at least
i could no longer see the dirt that had been showing through

everything was white, and clean, and quiet
and i found something about winter that i like
i watched my daughter throwing the new snow in the air and hollering "SNOW"
with a look of pure joy...
and i found something about winter that i like
i watched my gypsy running through the snow like a crazy thing throwing herself face first into it and rolling around like a dragon in grass...
and i found something about winter that i like
i sat at the table and drank tea with a little rosy cheeked girl as she warmed up...
and i found something about winter that i like

i love spring
all the potential for a beautiful garden...
all the anticipation of afternoons in the green grass with my littleones...
no more winter coats and ski pants and boots and mittens...
barefeet running...
sandy knees as they dig and build and create....

but i have found some reasons not to rush it,
spring will come
but right now

i have found somethings about winter that i like...

a memory lost...

i am trying not to pay attention to the dates on the calender
i am trying to just live today for today and not focus on that day

i am trying to remember the blessings of her life,
not the sadness of goodbye

i am trying to remember everything
every loving thing she said to me
every bit of advice, that i may or may not have liked at the time
every funny story
every smile
every hug
every thoughtful gift brought from all over the world and given with love

but i find myself haunted by the one that is forgotten...

on our last visit she brought us gifts for Christmas
we had tea and pie and talked of having a Christmas together soon...

the visit was short as they were on their way to somewhere else and really only had time to drop the gifts for us....

a gift for me
a wooden tree, which i love, of course, she knows how much i love trees, we talked about that very thing over tea and she smiled, when i opened the tree on Christmas day i laughed because i suddenly understood her smile, the smile of knowing she had gotten me the perfect gift

a gift for my husband
socks, which we also laughed over, knowing that while she didn't know him as she knew me, she didn't want him to have empty hands when i opened my tree

a gift for leeland
a puzzle book with stories from the bible, we have done the puzzles so many times that they are a bit tattered, i was going to put it away to save it, but it was given to be played with, and i respect that, so it sits on the shelf in easy reach of little fingers...

a gift for avienda...
and my heart breaks, because somehow in all the excitement of opening gifts, i have forgotten what it was, i can not keep it safe, i can not even enjoy watching her love it, because i don't remember what it is
what if i accidentally get rid of it? what if i already have?
i tried all year to remember what it was...
and i never have...
this Christmas when i pulled the decorations out i found the gift bag,
and i cried
late at night i find myself searching my mind for what the bag held,
and i cry
soon it is early morning and i am still awake and my head hurts
and i know the day will soon begin...
there will be kids to feed and games to play
and they don't know i was crying most of the night
and they don't know how my heart is breaking,
and i need the energy to make it through...

i know this is not the reaction she hoped her gift to my daughter would bring
and that makes me cry too

i know i may never remember what the gift was
and i need to be blessed by the fact that she brought the gift
that she loved me,
and my family
as her own
that is the real gift

and as i try to focus on this small bit of truth
i hope tonight is better
and i still hope i will remember....

freedom comes

yesterday was hard...
the kids were (and still are) over tired as they have been for days
the potty training has not been exactly successful, for the boy or the puppy
a migraine, a sore back
and one disappointment after another
my mind was over full
and i was so very tired
to call yesterday a success would have been a stretch even for my very creative mind

today started so very similar...
i almost gave in to my desire to remain in pjs and skip church
i would like to say my great desire to teach my children the importance of corporate worship led me to make it happen, but the truth is i knew if i could just get them (and me) dressed and out the door....

i could drop them off in children's church and sit quietly for an hour while someone else chased them
sweet bliss... a cup of coffee that i would get to drink while it was still hot...

and as i took my seat, coffee in hand, and sighed a deep sigh of sheer relief...
i realised i had forgotten something...
and i could not stop thinking about it
i rose to sing and it clouded my mind
all the what ifs that come with a thing left undone...

i was in the one place where i could stop for a moment and focus on my savior and i was distracted by the what ifs

and as i struggled to sing, to focus, a thought fluttered just outside my understanding
a truth was waiting for me
a blessing
a glimpse of heavenly wisdom was waiting

for me

and for a moment i understood

                                               .....freedom comes....

when i let go of the what ifs and choose against all earthly wisdom to trust...
trust that i am here in this moment...
with Jesus
trust that i am where i am meant to be...
then, as i rest in that understanding...i am truly free
i could not change what i had left unfinished, that was not in my control anymore
but i could choose to let it go
i could choose to be here, in this moment of worship...

i forgot something...
and i found something better

little flame to the rescue

whoa this boat is tipping overrrrrr

the waves are to highhhhhh......

little flame help!!!
help little flame.....
little flame you have to risk your life to save me.......

ok i will save you...
ok i rescued you

did you push me up so the waves wont go over me?

yes I did!

o thankyou little flame....

o no now i am tipping ovvvveerrrrrr...
o no help me.....

why don't you just hop into the back of mine? just until it isn't so wavy.....

no? ok then i will let mine tip over, don't save me i am swimming ... i am getting help to save you....
i will pull yours along... 

are they napping?
definitely not.

do i care?
not so much

#11  my crazy, busy, messy, wonderful children!

whatsoever...

"...whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
Philippians 4:8

#4  having eternal life

#5  praying with my children

#6  praying with my husband

#7  chasing bubbles through the sprinkler

#8  sunshine making a warm spot on the floor for bare feet to stubborn for slippers

#9  the smell of fresh bread

#10  gypsy

i can't knit

i can't knit, i just can't do it, i have tried so many times...
beautiful wool in hand, two knitting needles, a nice basket.. even a friend to "teach"me
and as i watch other hands turn the wool into a piece of wonderful...
i find i have turned mine into... a snarl
and on my face i wear... a snarl

i finally quit trying, realising my artistic talent lies on other paths...
really i am surprised it took so long for me to give up,
tho i suppose it shouldn't as i am as stubborn as they come
i kept trying because while trying to knit makes me mad instantly

i love knitted things
mittens
sweaters
scarves
and hats

especially hats...
i love hats ...   all hats really...  felted hats....    beanies.. caps...  antique hats with bits of netting...
but most especially knitted hats ~ with pointy tops
they have always been my favorite
and always hard to find
in fact every pointy hat i have ever had has been made for me by someone dear to my heart

a friend made a pointy hat for my daughter when she was a baby, it was pink and white and blue and had a long point that stood straight up with a pompom on the very tippy top, i loved it, it was whimsical and special and made with love and i still have it in her baby box for her to keep for always.

and another friend crocheted me a pointed cap a few years ago, it is blue and burgundy and tan colored and had only a little point on top (which was perfect for me at the time, when i was not quite ready to make my elfness completely known to the world yet, but wanted to share a glimpse)

today i was blessed with the very most perfect hat for me at this stage of my journey.....
now that i have really come out of the elf closet, tattooing whimsy on my arm and throwing myself into my faerie making, i have discovered that pointy ears and wings aside, nothing says whimsy like a pointed hat!
and this one is all the very most me colors, a earthy feeling wonderfully knitted wool pointy hat, and it came with the very best accompaniment, a matching hat for my pixie bird!

and when we put them on and my son wanted one too... i discovered that my smaller pointed hat is so very perfect for my little goblin man!

so today i want to join my friends in making "the list"

#1  pointy hats and friends who make them...

#2 the kids who wear them...

#3 being comfortable enough with my inner elfness to be able to share it...

little mister big man

tomorrow my baby boy turns three years old.  i say it as a statement but the truth is it is more of a cry than a statement of fact.  he is my last baby and certainly spoiled right to the core.

he has his mommy wrapped around his finger and if that is not enough, he really likes to wriggle that chubby little finger and watch mommy dance.

he figured out way to early which super sad, broken hearted look worked in almost all cases, and has perfected it, so much so that he can do it on command at dinner to entertain company.

you would think that after seeing him do it for a laughing clapping crowd it would no longer work on mommy, but it does.

it mostly works because it is so very adorable that i want to see it again, also tho i know if it doesn't work he will move on to something else...   like super yucky mad face, which he has also perfected and can put on at the dinner table for the same laughing and clapping effect.

you see my little man is a little ham and loves the attention... which he gets almost all the time...

i was just thinking a few days ago that he really is pampered and gets most of what he wants, and i was worrying that maybe he will be a terror when i finally release him into the world....

and then he taught me something that i hope i never forget...

we were sitting at the table and his big sister was dawdling as usual (yes i know i had that coming as i was the worlds slowest eater, but i am quite sure she has broken my record)  and i said there was desert...

this usually speeds her up but i said there was two cookies, just two, and three of us at the table...
hmmm who gets them?  well he eats fast and furious and had already gobbled one cookie up before she had finished half her lunch,

i was holding the other cookie..

she was looking hopefully at the cookie, but not eating at all (of course, it was cold by now and not very appealing)  i held the cookie up to my mouth...
and he screeched ..."no mommy that is aviendas cookie!!!!!"

and i had an idea, a terrible, horrible idea, i am sure my face looked much like the grinch when he was smiling at cindy-lou who, and i said............
"you can have the cookie sweetie" 

to LEELAND

and he held his tiny hand out and said "ok mommy i will have it" in the very sweetest and slightly confused voice i have ever heard...

and my daughter started to cry...

yes i am horrible but i had to know...

and something happened then that i did not expect...

my son started to cry....

and said in the very most sincere and  loving voice i have ever heard...

 "here avienda you can have it, this is your cookie"

and as she wiped her tears and took the cookie

 he was till crying,

and i asked "whats wrong manny?"
of course i'm thinking he is now regretting that he doesn't have the cookie

and he said "my avienda is sad"

and i learned in that instant that all my "spoiling" had not spoiled him,

and i got him another cookie,
and i got her another cookie
and i ate a cookie myself
because life is short
and sometimes we need a reward.

happy birthday little mister big man,
i love you more than words could ever capture,
i thank God for you every single day
and i look forward to watching you become the man God made you to be.
tho i am not in a hurry so lets take our time...

a new year... an old gift

i sit here in the quiet and think back...  i know new years is traditionally the time to look ahead, to make a resolution that you don't really plan to keep, to shut the door on the last 365 days of your life you have used up and stubbornly look forward, resolving to make so much more of the next 365,

but i find myself looking back...

back to my children as babies,
back to the tiny apartment that smelled like old socks
back to my life as a single woman
back to my life as a sin filled woman

back to the moment i let Jesus find me
He had been pursuing me for some time and i had been ever evasive...

and then one starry night i sat on the hood of my car and let Him find me
and i gave Him all my hopes
all my dreams
all my fears
and all my sin

and i remember it was so very quiet,
He cleaned my soul, washed me in His blood
paid for me with His very life
and it was quiet

we went to the christmas eve service this year...
it was beautiful, and while i sat with my family all in a row,
the front row to be exact because we were late getting there and that's all that was left,
the room was semi dark, the singing subdued and i found myself breathing a sigh of relief, in all the busy, loud, craziness of preparing for christmas with little ones, the quiet moment to praise was a gift of peace.
i was singing praises to the Father for His gift of His son and something hit me that has never really hit me before...

the quiet

that when i think about the times God has spoken, has gifted me in some way, it is always quiet

the whole christmas season is full of sparkle and lights and fancy wrapped gifts, and fanfare on all sides, and i love all that stuff, but God speaks in the still small voice

i hear Him when i am quiet, when i am alone, when i am desperate and i have no delusions of my own grandeur.

i looked over at my beautiful son asleep on his daddys shoulder and felt the tears of understanding run down my face... He gave His son, HIS ONLY SON
and i thought about how He presented us with this most precious gift...
i am sure there was revelling going on in Bethlehem, all the inns were full, all the common rooms full to bursting with travellers.

and behind the inn, in a stable full of the animals that carried those revellers into town,
in the dirt, and straw, and quiet anticipation,

a baby boy takes his first breath...

yes i know the angels showed themselves to say He was born,
but they showed themselves to shepherds out in the fields,
in the quiet fields,
late at night,
they spoke of all humanities salvation, not in the towns where many gathered., but in the fields to the few who worked in silence,

and i thought of how i love to give gifts with fancy paper and shiny bows, to hear the excitement as they open them and find something they have wished for, the squeals of delight as my daughter hugs her new toy and laughs with the pure joy of youth and innocence, to see my son jump up and down "a train a train!!!"

and then i thought of how much fanfare i would want if i had to give my precious baby boy away
and the truth hit me...

there could never be enough fanfare, there could never be a big enough celebration for me to give him up

and my heavenly Father gave His precious son to us,
to me,
with no fanfare, with no streamers, and with no doubt how we,
how I,
would treat Him.

and i thanked Him for doing what i could not,
for sacrificing His beloved,
to make me His beloved

this year i am going to consciously look for the quiet
and i hope you find your quiet too...