a tiny little big girl...

tomorrow is my daughters fifth birthday.  i cant hardly believe how quickly time has passed, yet to be completely honest i also cant hardly remember life without her.

she is inviting two friends from playschool, both boys, to the party.

i only have two children, one girl and one boy, and have often felt sad that she wont have a sister when she is an adult, like i do. 

you see i love my sister so much she is a light for me when the world looks dark and scary and i have grieved for my daughter that she will never have that in her life.

 when i found out i was expecting (my son) i was so sure i would have a girl because avienda needed a sister, so imagine my surprise to find he was a boy.

 i have often wondered why she got a brother not a sister, because i have both and my big sister is a safe haven for me, while growing up with a little brother was difficult.  not because there is anything wrong with my brother, but because my parents really wanted a boy when they had me and i was always painfully aware of that fact.  there was nothing wrong with my brother in fact he was perfect, could do no wrong...  ever.

when i realised i would have a girl who would have a little brother i admit i was sad for her, i remembered how i felt unloved and unworthy, because i was not the boy my parents prized. 

it is amazing how God works His miracles in my little heart through my little ones,

you see i love both my babies, i want both of them, i need both of them, they are so very special to me and as a result they are special to each other too.  i work hard to make sure they have a relationship with each other that will stand the test of time.  when her dad and i are gone to glory they will only have each other, that is something i never forget. 

so when my daughter sneaks into her brothers room very very early in the morning and gets in trouble for waking him up, it is not tooooo much trouble, because in my mama heart i silently rejoice that she wants to be with him, he is her friend, and that is awesome.

and when she came home from playschool beaming about her new friend and i said she should invite her to the party she said in a disbelieving voice "mom he is a boy!"  like i should have known her friend was a boy all along and you know what? she was right, i should have known. 

i should have known that my beautiful princess who loves horses and dinosaurs would choose as a best friend a mischievous sparkly eyed boy who she could barely keep up to.

but i didn't know.
all the days watching her become her own person should have shown me ...  but it didn't.
seeing her play with her brother should have shown me...   but it didn't.

i was so hung up on my own hurts, my own childhood issues that i was blind to that part of who she is,

however i know now.
i know that God knew what he was doing when He gave my daughter a brother
i see them love each other, and it heals a hurt in me i have never admitted was there,
i see her love her brother and i praise God for breaking a chain of hurt in my family,
she doesn't have to be jealous of him because she is secure in her heart, she knows her mommy and her daddy love her with a crazy love,
and she knows we love her brother with a crazy love too, and that is a good thing, it doesn't take away from how much we love her, it reassures her that we have that kind of love in us, she doesn't have to question it, because she sees it everyday.

so it is no wonder her best friend is a boy, i truly should have known.

and i can put to rest my worry over her not having a sister,
she got the perfect sibling for her, God knew best, like always.

and you know what?  i'm really excited about her party, and getting to know her little friends, because i know they will be great, after all she did pick them!