Today I came face to face with exactly how wretched I am, and the sin nature that is so deeply rooted in my very being.
What lives so deep inside my heart is quite literally death.
in a moment of panic, and disbelief, i decided not to trust.
now as i mourn the loss, and look at the reasons i gave myself to make that awfull choice, i see how they pale in the light of the Holy Spirits wisdom,
i can't believe that moment even happened.
yet it did happen,
i did choose...
death over life.
and my soul wretches within me.
the Lord offered me a gift that was so very precious, and i refused it, just for a moment, but that was all it took, just a moment to break my heart completely and show me what i am.
a sinner. lost. a killer.
I don't want forgiveness, I want to sit with my guilt and shame. I want to hurt for the ones whose lives were in my hands, the tiny lives that almost were. The lives that will never be. I want to grieve for them (and for myself), I need the grace, the amazing grace, but now more than ever I see just how unworthy I am,
...and I long to hide myself from God,
like eve I find myself naked and afraid, and as the Lord calls to me, I sit silent in the shadows, longing for forgiveness and restoration of relationship...
but i'm paralyzed by sin, and the shame that has fastened itself to my very being.
In my head I know that God forgives, in my heart I know that God forgives, in my soul I know that God forgives, and in my entire being I understand now that I don't deserve it.
and as i think of the precious gift i refused, i find myself thinking of the precious gift He has given us all, and how many refuse it.
and how many feel they don't deserve it
and how many hide in the shadows, ... wishing, ...hoping, ..... but never accepting
and i remember the night i accepted that gift,
i was not worthy then and i knew it ....then
yet somehow after all these years with my savior ...i forgot
i forgot that i didn't deserve Him
i forgot that i am wretched
i forgot that my works are as filthy rags,
that my wisdom is that of a fallen sin stained human
that all i have is only mine because of the price He paid
for me
He paid for me
not because i deserve it, because i really don't.
it was His great love for me that brought Him here
it was His great sacrifice, that washed my sin from me
and i find myself at his feet begging for what i have never deserved,
and knowing He will give it, knowing that He already has.
today i missed a blessing, but i received forgiveness.
and in that forgiveness i found a new kind of peace,
and a reminder,
that He loves me
me ....a sinner saved by grace
where ever you are on your journey through this life,
i hope you find His forgiveness, and His peace
Showing posts with label greif. Show all posts
Showing posts with label greif. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
the mom of my heart...
for weeks it has been one disaster or another, one fight or another, i have found myself exhausted, physically sick, and bracing for what will come next,
longing for quiet.
my heart has been broken by the one woman who should have cherished me.
.... the mother of my youth taught me that life is hard and anger is the only response people will ever respect.
I made my way in the world mostly sarcastic, sometimes funny, almost always alone, until i met someone i had longed to know yet hardly believed existed
"MOM"
she took me in and chose to love me as one of her own,
in her home i learned that kindness and honesty are the things people respect,
and that if i was hurt i could just be hurt,
i didn't need to turn it into anger,
i didn't need to seek vengeance or find someone to blame,
i could choose to just be honest with myself and others.
I could take my hurt to Jesus and give it to him, but i must always remember to leave it there.
She worked tirelessly to show me the love of Jesus through the love of a mom, no strings and no expectations. She never once demanded respect from me, nor did she have to, I loved and respected her for who she was. Even years later when I would find myself calling her for advice, her words were always truth and light, spoken in love. So even if they were not necessarily the words i wanted to hear, i left the conversation closer to her and closer to our Lord.
She was my mom, she was a rock in uncertain times and a constant reminder of the great love of Jesus and the promise of heaven.
She went to heaven on Jan 31 of this year,
and her faith was so strong and her conviction so great that my first response was to think "i can finally find out about heaven! I can finally email someone who is actually there and ask all kinds of questions..."
and then it hit me that while she was most definitely there I could not ask her about it, in fact I could not ask her another thing for all the rest of this earthly life.
And so began a deep sadness that has followed me these past months. At first it was a constant companion holding my hand no matter how i struggled, sitting in the chair that was once exclusively reserved for joy, then, as time went on, it moved from front and center of my life to a small dark corner in my heart.
sometimes i think it may be gone all together, then a situation comes up, the kind of situation that would have had me on the phone to ask for prayer and it lunges from the corner and grabs me once more around the throat ...and i can hardly breathe.
this week has been one situation after another and gasping for breath, I miss my mom.
yet amid the grief this time around i am finding something new, creeping in to ease the grip of grief, is peace, not the peace of the world but the peace of the Lord, the peace that passes all understanding. I can not ask my mom for prayer, but i can pray, i can not ask her for advice, but i can read the same words that she read for many years, i can count on the same Holy Spirit that she relied so heavily on.
so while my world swirls around me and there are more questions than answers,
i stop,
and stand,
face turned to heaven,
and take a moment to thank my Lord for Mrs. Jean Crossley, the mother of my heart, and i know that i will see her again, i will have a chance to say every unsaid thing, and i can wait, because she taught me patience, and i know that to live my life fully and honestly with love and kindness is to honor her and her gift to me.
i miss you... mom
longing for quiet.
my heart has been broken by the one woman who should have cherished me.
.... the mother of my youth taught me that life is hard and anger is the only response people will ever respect.
I made my way in the world mostly sarcastic, sometimes funny, almost always alone, until i met someone i had longed to know yet hardly believed existed
"MOM"
she took me in and chose to love me as one of her own,
in her home i learned that kindness and honesty are the things people respect,
and that if i was hurt i could just be hurt,
i didn't need to turn it into anger,
i didn't need to seek vengeance or find someone to blame,
i could choose to just be honest with myself and others.
I could take my hurt to Jesus and give it to him, but i must always remember to leave it there.
She worked tirelessly to show me the love of Jesus through the love of a mom, no strings and no expectations. She never once demanded respect from me, nor did she have to, I loved and respected her for who she was. Even years later when I would find myself calling her for advice, her words were always truth and light, spoken in love. So even if they were not necessarily the words i wanted to hear, i left the conversation closer to her and closer to our Lord.
She was my mom, she was a rock in uncertain times and a constant reminder of the great love of Jesus and the promise of heaven.
She went to heaven on Jan 31 of this year,
and her faith was so strong and her conviction so great that my first response was to think "i can finally find out about heaven! I can finally email someone who is actually there and ask all kinds of questions..."
and then it hit me that while she was most definitely there I could not ask her about it, in fact I could not ask her another thing for all the rest of this earthly life.
And so began a deep sadness that has followed me these past months. At first it was a constant companion holding my hand no matter how i struggled, sitting in the chair that was once exclusively reserved for joy, then, as time went on, it moved from front and center of my life to a small dark corner in my heart.
sometimes i think it may be gone all together, then a situation comes up, the kind of situation that would have had me on the phone to ask for prayer and it lunges from the corner and grabs me once more around the throat ...and i can hardly breathe.
this week has been one situation after another and gasping for breath, I miss my mom.
yet amid the grief this time around i am finding something new, creeping in to ease the grip of grief, is peace, not the peace of the world but the peace of the Lord, the peace that passes all understanding. I can not ask my mom for prayer, but i can pray, i can not ask her for advice, but i can read the same words that she read for many years, i can count on the same Holy Spirit that she relied so heavily on.
so while my world swirls around me and there are more questions than answers,
i stop,
and stand,
face turned to heaven,
and take a moment to thank my Lord for Mrs. Jean Crossley, the mother of my heart, and i know that i will see her again, i will have a chance to say every unsaid thing, and i can wait, because she taught me patience, and i know that to live my life fully and honestly with love and kindness is to honor her and her gift to me.
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