the mom of my heart...

for weeks it has been one disaster or another, one fight or another, i have found myself exhausted, physically sick, and bracing for what will come next,

 longing for quiet.

my heart has been broken by the one woman who should have cherished me.    

 .... the mother of my youth taught me that life is hard and anger is the only response people will ever respect.

I made my way in the world mostly sarcastic, sometimes funny, almost always alone, until i met someone i had longed to know yet hardly believed existed

 "MOM"

she took me in and chose to love me as one of her own,

 in her home i learned that kindness and honesty are the things people respect,

and that if i was hurt i could just be hurt,

 i didn't need to turn it into anger,

 i didn't need to seek vengeance or find someone to blame,

 i could choose to just be honest with myself and others. 

I could take my hurt to Jesus and give it to him, but i must always remember to leave it there.

She worked tirelessly to show me the love of Jesus through the love of a mom, no strings and no expectations.  She never once demanded respect from me, nor did she have to, I loved and respected her for who she was.  Even years later when I would find myself calling her for advice, her words were always truth and light, spoken in love. So even if they were not necessarily the words i wanted to hear, i left the conversation closer to her and closer to our Lord.

She was my mom, she was a rock in uncertain times and a constant reminder of the great love of Jesus and the promise of heaven. 

She went to heaven on Jan 31 of this year,

and her faith was so strong and her conviction so great that my first response was to think "i can finally find out about heaven!  I can finally email someone who is actually there and ask all kinds of questions..."

and then it hit me that while she was most definitely there I could not ask her about it, in fact I could not ask her another thing for all the rest of this earthly life.

 And so began a deep sadness that has followed me these past months.  At first it was a constant companion holding my hand no matter how i struggled, sitting in the chair that was once exclusively reserved for joy, then, as time went on, it moved from front and center of my life to a small dark corner in my heart.

sometimes i think it may be gone all together, then a situation comes up, the kind of situation that would have had me on the phone to ask for prayer and it lunges from the corner and grabs me once more around the throat    ...and i can hardly breathe.

this week has been one situation after another and gasping for breath, I miss my mom. 

yet amid the grief this time around i am finding something new, creeping in to ease the grip of grief, is peace, not the peace of the world but the peace of the Lord, the peace that passes all understanding.  I can not ask my mom for prayer, but i can pray, i can not ask her for advice, but i can read the same words that she read for many years, i can count on the same Holy Spirit that she relied so heavily on. 

so while my world swirls around me and there are more questions than answers,

 i stop,

and stand,

face turned to heaven,

 and take a moment to thank my Lord for Mrs. Jean Crossley, the mother of my heart, and i know that i will see her again, i will have a chance to say every unsaid thing, and i can wait, because she taught me patience, and i know that to live my life fully and honestly with love and kindness is to honor her and her gift to me.

i miss you...                                                          mom