a puff... ...of love

i love puffs... the beautiful whimsical fluffs that float around every fall and remind me of so many things

like the time my wonderful husband caught a tiny fluff in his hand to show me, years ago, when he still wore the title fiance, and with the proud look of one who has found a true gift, said "look honey a fluff!" and i looked at his hand and said "WHERE" while secretly blowing the tiny piece of magic out of his cupped hand, sending him to catch it again and again, i don't know how many times he caught that tiny puff for me before he realised what i was doing...

and all the time i have spent catching puffs with my daughter, who squeals in delight "a wish!!! a wish!!! i caught a wish!!!!  look mommy i caught a magic wish!"

i don't know exactly when i decided in my heart that a puff floating through the air on a fall breeze was one of the many ways God shows me that He loves me. 

but i did decide..  i suppose it was one day as i watched a beautiful huge puff float right by my face just as i was about to lose my temper over some trivial thing... i stopped to look at it and was suddenly overwhelmed with how much God loves me. 

He could have made all plants send out root suckers or drop their seeds directly on the ground, or travel in the stomachs of birds,

but He didn't

he made puffs to delight the young, and the young at heart,
to chase on a beautiful fall day with my daughter,
a tiny reminder of His love right before the long cold of winter.

and so to me a puff floating through the air became a beautiful example of Gods amazing love.
a gift for me to chase and catch, or not, and hold, or not, and find delight in, either way

a reminder to me...

that magic is real...

and can be found all around me...
 in the wild colors and crazy fluttering of the butterfly,

 in the aerial expertise of the dragonfly,

 in the moth that fills the night with wonder as it drinks from the evening scented stock,

 in the croak of the bullfrog,

 in the flight of a hummingbird,

and in the whimsical puff that floats by me as i soak the last days of fall into my heart in preparation for the cold silence of winter.

if you find yourself today trapped in the silence of winter, remember the puffs that floated by us not so long ago, they have found a home now on the cold ground many miles from where they started, and are waiting...

waiting for spring and the chance to grow anew.

they have to wait for their new life, but we don't..

ours is here already, we need only to embrace it,
and the one who gave so much more than the puff waits for us to find our life in Him
i have found it,
 eternal life and the springtime of my soul
 have you?
 if not, your spiritual spring awaits...

A moment of sin is the death of a blessing, on the day my pride ... died

Today I came face to face with exactly how wretched I am, and the sin nature that is so deeply rooted in my very being.

What lives so deep inside my heart is quite literally death.

in a moment of panic, and disbelief, i decided not to trust.

now as i mourn the loss, and look at the reasons i gave myself to make that awfull choice, i see how they pale in the light of the Holy Spirits wisdom,

i can't believe that moment even happened.

yet it did happen,
i did choose...
death over life.
and my soul wretches within me.

the Lord offered me a gift that was so very precious, and i refused it, just for a moment, but that was all it took, just a moment to break my heart completely and show me what i am.

a sinner. lost. a killer.

I don't want forgiveness, I want to sit with my guilt and shame. I want to hurt for the ones whose lives were in my hands, the tiny lives that almost were. The lives that will never be. I want to grieve for them (and for myself), I need the grace, the amazing grace, but now more than ever I see just how unworthy I am,

...and I long to hide myself from God,

like eve I find myself naked and afraid, and as the Lord calls to me, I sit silent in the shadows, longing for forgiveness and restoration of relationship...
but i'm  paralyzed by sin, and the shame that has fastened itself to my very being.
In my head I know that God forgives, in my heart I know that God forgives, in my soul I know that God forgives, and in my entire being I understand now that I don't deserve it.

and as i think of the precious gift i refused, i find myself thinking of the precious gift He has given us all, and how many refuse it.
and how many feel they don't deserve it
and how many hide in the shadows,    ... wishing,     ...hoping,  ..... but never accepting
and i remember the night i accepted that gift,
i was not worthy then and i knew it   ....then

yet somehow after all these years with my savior ...i forgot
i forgot that i didn't deserve Him
i forgot that i am wretched
i forgot that my works are as filthy rags,
that my wisdom is that of a fallen sin stained human
that all i have is only mine because of the price He paid

for me

He paid for me

not because i deserve it, because i really don't.

it was His great love for me that brought Him here

it was His great sacrifice, that washed my sin from me
and i find myself at his feet begging for what i have never deserved,
and knowing He will give it, knowing that He already has.

today i missed a blessing, but i received forgiveness.
and in that forgiveness i found a new kind of peace,
and a reminder,
 that He loves me                      
 me ....a sinner saved by grace

where ever you are on your journey through this life,
 i hope you find His forgiveness, and His peace