A moment of sin is the death of a blessing, on the day my pride ... died

Today I came face to face with exactly how wretched I am, and the sin nature that is so deeply rooted in my very being.

What lives so deep inside my heart is quite literally death.

in a moment of panic, and disbelief, i decided not to trust.

now as i mourn the loss, and look at the reasons i gave myself to make that awfull choice, i see how they pale in the light of the Holy Spirits wisdom,

i can't believe that moment even happened.

yet it did happen,
i did choose...
death over life.
and my soul wretches within me.

the Lord offered me a gift that was so very precious, and i refused it, just for a moment, but that was all it took, just a moment to break my heart completely and show me what i am.

a sinner. lost. a killer.

I don't want forgiveness, I want to sit with my guilt and shame. I want to hurt for the ones whose lives were in my hands, the tiny lives that almost were. The lives that will never be. I want to grieve for them (and for myself), I need the grace, the amazing grace, but now more than ever I see just how unworthy I am,

...and I long to hide myself from God,

like eve I find myself naked and afraid, and as the Lord calls to me, I sit silent in the shadows, longing for forgiveness and restoration of relationship...
but i'm  paralyzed by sin, and the shame that has fastened itself to my very being.
In my head I know that God forgives, in my heart I know that God forgives, in my soul I know that God forgives, and in my entire being I understand now that I don't deserve it.

and as i think of the precious gift i refused, i find myself thinking of the precious gift He has given us all, and how many refuse it.
and how many feel they don't deserve it
and how many hide in the shadows,    ... wishing,     ...hoping,  ..... but never accepting
and i remember the night i accepted that gift,
i was not worthy then and i knew it   ....then

yet somehow after all these years with my savior ...i forgot
i forgot that i didn't deserve Him
i forgot that i am wretched
i forgot that my works are as filthy rags,
that my wisdom is that of a fallen sin stained human
that all i have is only mine because of the price He paid

for me

He paid for me

not because i deserve it, because i really don't.

it was His great love for me that brought Him here

it was His great sacrifice, that washed my sin from me
and i find myself at his feet begging for what i have never deserved,
and knowing He will give it, knowing that He already has.

today i missed a blessing, but i received forgiveness.
and in that forgiveness i found a new kind of peace,
and a reminder,
 that He loves me                      
 me ....a sinner saved by grace

where ever you are on your journey through this life,
 i hope you find His forgiveness, and His peace