a new year... an old gift

i sit here in the quiet and think back...  i know new years is traditionally the time to look ahead, to make a resolution that you don't really plan to keep, to shut the door on the last 365 days of your life you have used up and stubbornly look forward, resolving to make so much more of the next 365,

but i find myself looking back...

back to my children as babies,
back to the tiny apartment that smelled like old socks
back to my life as a single woman
back to my life as a sin filled woman

back to the moment i let Jesus find me
He had been pursuing me for some time and i had been ever evasive...

and then one starry night i sat on the hood of my car and let Him find me
and i gave Him all my hopes
all my dreams
all my fears
and all my sin

and i remember it was so very quiet,
He cleaned my soul, washed me in His blood
paid for me with His very life
and it was quiet

we went to the christmas eve service this year...
it was beautiful, and while i sat with my family all in a row,
the front row to be exact because we were late getting there and that's all that was left,
the room was semi dark, the singing subdued and i found myself breathing a sigh of relief, in all the busy, loud, craziness of preparing for christmas with little ones, the quiet moment to praise was a gift of peace.
i was singing praises to the Father for His gift of His son and something hit me that has never really hit me before...

the quiet

that when i think about the times God has spoken, has gifted me in some way, it is always quiet

the whole christmas season is full of sparkle and lights and fancy wrapped gifts, and fanfare on all sides, and i love all that stuff, but God speaks in the still small voice

i hear Him when i am quiet, when i am alone, when i am desperate and i have no delusions of my own grandeur.

i looked over at my beautiful son asleep on his daddys shoulder and felt the tears of understanding run down my face... He gave His son, HIS ONLY SON
and i thought about how He presented us with this most precious gift...
i am sure there was revelling going on in Bethlehem, all the inns were full, all the common rooms full to bursting with travellers.

and behind the inn, in a stable full of the animals that carried those revellers into town,
in the dirt, and straw, and quiet anticipation,

a baby boy takes his first breath...

yes i know the angels showed themselves to say He was born,
but they showed themselves to shepherds out in the fields,
in the quiet fields,
late at night,
they spoke of all humanities salvation, not in the towns where many gathered., but in the fields to the few who worked in silence,

and i thought of how i love to give gifts with fancy paper and shiny bows, to hear the excitement as they open them and find something they have wished for, the squeals of delight as my daughter hugs her new toy and laughs with the pure joy of youth and innocence, to see my son jump up and down "a train a train!!!"

and then i thought of how much fanfare i would want if i had to give my precious baby boy away
and the truth hit me...

there could never be enough fanfare, there could never be a big enough celebration for me to give him up

and my heavenly Father gave His precious son to us,
to me,
with no fanfare, with no streamers, and with no doubt how we,
how I,
would treat Him.

and i thanked Him for doing what i could not,
for sacrificing His beloved,
to make me His beloved

this year i am going to consciously look for the quiet
and i hope you find your quiet too...