a memory lost...

i am trying not to pay attention to the dates on the calender
i am trying to just live today for today and not focus on that day

i am trying to remember the blessings of her life,
not the sadness of goodbye

i am trying to remember everything
every loving thing she said to me
every bit of advice, that i may or may not have liked at the time
every funny story
every smile
every hug
every thoughtful gift brought from all over the world and given with love

but i find myself haunted by the one that is forgotten...

on our last visit she brought us gifts for Christmas
we had tea and pie and talked of having a Christmas together soon...

the visit was short as they were on their way to somewhere else and really only had time to drop the gifts for us....

a gift for me
a wooden tree, which i love, of course, she knows how much i love trees, we talked about that very thing over tea and she smiled, when i opened the tree on Christmas day i laughed because i suddenly understood her smile, the smile of knowing she had gotten me the perfect gift

a gift for my husband
socks, which we also laughed over, knowing that while she didn't know him as she knew me, she didn't want him to have empty hands when i opened my tree

a gift for leeland
a puzzle book with stories from the bible, we have done the puzzles so many times that they are a bit tattered, i was going to put it away to save it, but it was given to be played with, and i respect that, so it sits on the shelf in easy reach of little fingers...

a gift for avienda...
and my heart breaks, because somehow in all the excitement of opening gifts, i have forgotten what it was, i can not keep it safe, i can not even enjoy watching her love it, because i don't remember what it is
what if i accidentally get rid of it? what if i already have?
i tried all year to remember what it was...
and i never have...
this Christmas when i pulled the decorations out i found the gift bag,
and i cried
late at night i find myself searching my mind for what the bag held,
and i cry
soon it is early morning and i am still awake and my head hurts
and i know the day will soon begin...
there will be kids to feed and games to play
and they don't know i was crying most of the night
and they don't know how my heart is breaking,
and i need the energy to make it through...

i know this is not the reaction she hoped her gift to my daughter would bring
and that makes me cry too

i know i may never remember what the gift was
and i need to be blessed by the fact that she brought the gift
that she loved me,
and my family
as her own
that is the real gift

and as i try to focus on this small bit of truth
i hope tonight is better
and i still hope i will remember....