Sparrow Lessons: a single mom and devastation reigns...

my papa sparrow disappeared
i watched all day but he was gone
mama had been injured in the previous days storm
a hurt wing
a crooked flight
but she worked tirelessly
to the nest to feed the babies
and out for bugs
 to and fro
to and fro
and i watched

then i spot a baby sparrow in the yard
hopping and flying all clumsy and proud
it goes for a drink and falls in the birdbath
it is trying to fly into the nest but mama says no
she knocks him away and flies to feed to the others
he is crying on the ground hungry and she stops and looks at him
then up she goes to the others
and i am mad
she is ignoring her baby!
the baby cries at her and follows her and she ignores him entirely
he has gotten up beside the nest and when she comes he jumps out asking for food
she just hops by and feeds the rest.
i stand so still he looks at me and jumps onto the tea towel i am holding
i lift it to the house, right to the hole so he can climb in
but he flies away and shortly is gone from the yard

i am worried and mad at the mama
i go to the nest and look at the babies,
they just pop their heads out and stare
three tiny babies
and i realise something
    ~that was not her baby
they are much smaller and no where near leaving the safety of the house
that's why she didn't feed him
that's why when he could climb in ~he didn't
he was lost and thought that was home
but when he could see into the house he knew
this was not home
that was not mama
not for him

and i am struck by the fact she thought about feeding him
she is a single mama of three with an injured wing
she cant take in another
but i saw her consider it
he mattered to her
and i think if she had not lost papa
if she had not had three hungry mouths to feed
she may have taken him in.

my faith restored in my little mama bird i watched her the rest of the evening
coming with food and going for more
left to the task of raising her babies all alone

that was the day before yesterday

yesterday was so cold

thunderstorms and rain all day
i was in bed with a headache when i decided to look outside
to see if my babies were ok

i saw a male bird hanging around the nest
he seemed to be acting strange
he flew right in and was pushing out a feather thru a crack in the side

i stormed out

he flew only to the arch and watched

we opened the nest and it was empty
i knew the babies were to small to fly
frantic now and with my stomach rolling i went searching

i only found one tiny baby, trying to hide under the fence it had died
wet and cold and alone
and i cried
we buried him in a tiny box under my tiny apple tree
 and i cried
i told my husband to take the nest out
and i cried
he said it could wait
and i cried
i said NO i don't want the male sparrow stealing from it!!!!
and i cried
so he did it
and i cried

we came inside
and i cried
we went to bed
and i cried
now i am here this morning writing this terrible hurtful story 
and i am crying still

and the male sparrow who would rob a nest so recently emptied?
i think he is the papa
i don't know where he was
maybe he hit a window and someone put him in a box to come around
maybe the storm winds took him and he had a long way home
but he came home
and his family was gone

why do i think this?
because he is crying too
he has been crying since he got here to the empty nest
like a tiny baby bird that is starving he cries
he goes in the house and cries
he sits on my arch and screams
then cries
i just saw him on the fence with a tiny feather we had left in the house
holding it crying
some of you may not think birds cry
i hope you never have to hear it
it is the sound of a heart breaking
it is the look of utter despair

i took down the nest to save the memory of my baby birds
but i stole their papas memorial in doing so
and my heartache feels complete

Sparrow Lessons: Gods tiny evangelists

i spent most of my life listening to people tell me that sparrows are bad,
they are pests,
they take other birds homes etc. etc.

i didn't agree, and i didn't disagree
then three years ago spring came late,
very late...
my maple tree took a long long time to get even the tiniest bud
and there were no birds
it was quiet in the yard

i was sad and didn't even realise why

then one day i heard them
chittering singing hopping birds

not the robins with their beautiful whistle that heralds the coming of spring
not the finches with their bright red display
not the canaries clothed in sunshine

the little brown sparrows
the color of earth
with an earthy song
dancing in my trees making homes for their soon to come families
and my heart soared with these tiny birds
and i watched them with a huge smile
a smile that says "SPRING"

i forgot all the terrible things people said
i forgot i was not supposed to like them
and i fell in love

when we left our little house with the big maple
 i was as sad to leave my birds as i was my home

we moved to a beautiful home
in a wonderful city
with a tiny yard
and no trees
and no birds

so for two springs i felt the sad silence of a world without birds

i planted trees, and made a garden, and put out water
all with the purpose of attracting birds

and eventually they found my yard
the finches and the swallows and the robins
and the sparrows

my heart was filled with the joy of flight once more
and i loved them all

i watched as whole families of sparrows came into my yard
to teach their babies to fly
and then settling onto my bench
a whole fuzzy grey pile of baby birds to nap in the sun,
i watched as papa finches taught their tiny sons to sing
while sitting on my garden hose,
and swallows swooped above,
and robins stole my moss to make nests

i didn't pick a favorite
i loved them all

then it started again
people telling me the woes of the sparrow
that they are "introduced" birds
that are taking over
how they are aggressive
and taking habitat from native birds

everyone seems to think this is so terrible
that we need to get rid of them
that they are less desirable
that somehow other birds are more valuable
therefore it is ok to sacrifice a sparrow
for the sake of a native bird

and it has made me think

sparrows are European birds brought here by Europeans

guess what i am?
i am European

my ancestors are from another continent
i am not native to this land

but i AM Canadian
this is the only land i have ever known
this is my home
is it wrong that i feel i belong here?

i know i am not a bird and some people think
~ a bird is just a bird~
and they are right
but what we think doesn't matter to the bird
a sparrow is just trying to thrive where it is

 ~just like me~

the sparrows had no choice
they were brought here to do a job for the people
and now they live here too
with us

they are not showy
they are  not colorful
they are not the sweetest singers

but they are happy
they are brave
they are good parents
they are here for the long haul,
they don't show up for a few months a year and expect to get special treatment,
they may have been "introduced" long ago,
but they are Canadian now

and in the long winter months when i was stuck inside
longing to fly
there was no colorful canary to sing to me
there was no robin hopping thru the snow
the finches were long gone enjoying the sun elsewhere

but my sparrows were here, sheltering under my deck
eating from my feeder
and lifting my spirit with their brave existence

so i choose to love them
i choose to accept the blessing
i choose to watch with delight as they build a nest in our birdhouse
and i make no apology for that

if we "introduced Europeans" can call this place home
can populate it beyond belief
can build concrete jungles over native flowers
then the least we can do is honor the bird that does the same.

the list grows...

tonight I want to tell you about my son

my son is wonderful
he is sweet
and caring
and gentle
and stuborn

he loves ferociuosly
and has the best mad face i have ever seen

he swings way to high and laughs at the danger,
even tho he knows he can fall,
 he has fallen
 has tasted blood
 and felt the hard ground so suddenly he has lost his air

still the thrill of flight drives him to new heights

and my mamas heart cringes while he laughs in delight
i see the danger
i still hurt from his last fall

this little man has so completely captured my heart
that i don't know how i could possibly draw breath if he were not here

so when he told me he did not want Jesus in his heart
that he did not like to pray and would NOT pray
my heart collapsed
i could not explain how much it mattered
because his heart was hard as stone
i could see the stuborn determination in his eyes
he was not going to give control over
he was not going to say sorry, not to anyone
and esspecially not to God

all i could do was pray
and thats what i have been doing
and thats what his daddy has been doing
yet there seemed little change
and then something happened that filled my heart to bursting
his sister started to pray
she prayed everyday
she witnessed everyday
she asked him if he wanted to pray
she was not pushed back by his unbeleif
she told him he needed Jesus
and she kept telling him

i could hear them playing in the yard and her beautiful voice wafting over to me on the breeze
"do you want to go to heaven with mommy and daddy and big sister?"
i was reminded of when he took his daddys medication and she came running to tell me,
she was three then and she saved his life
and she was determined to do it again

and slowly there was a softening
slowly there were questions about God
and he learned a song
"we've been raised for such a time
when history comes to the finish line
and the saints who've gone before
now watch to see us end our course"

and a few times he said he wanted to pray
but when it came time to speak words to God
he would push away and say "no!"
and we would keep praying

tonight we went to church
i almost didnt go
my head hurt
my knee hurt
and a thousand excuses rattled arround in my head
but somehow i knew i must

and while the band played and people worshiped
he was looking at the cross
it had a red light on it and looked pink
and his face was flushed with excitment
and he said he wanted to have Jesus live in his heart
then he started to pray on the spot
it was so loud i couldnt hear him
i asked if we should go where it was quieter and he agreed

so while people sang praises in the sanctuary
my son and i sat in the lobby
we talked some and he said
"i just dont know how to pray"
and i told him it was just like talking to me,
that God hears him and knows what he means when he talks to Him

i asked if he wanted me to say the words and he could repeat them
 "no mom, I will do it"
and he bowed his little head and said:
"Jesus i am so sorry for my sins
please come live in my heart
(and there was a pause, he sighed, and in a trembling voice continued)
I'm just so so sorry for my sin
amen."

and angels rejoiced
and this mama rejoiced

then all flushed with excitment he told his daddy
and his sister
and the pastor
and anyone who would listen to him
and there was high fives and huggs
and big smiles all arround

tonight my sons name is entered into the book of life
and i know in my heart that the prayers of his sister helped him along
there is no greater gift

the sting of regret and the hurt of goodbye...

it has been along time since i have written, and while my blog has been still, my life has been anything but.

in fact there has been so much that i just have not known how to speak

i wanted to write something special for those who have been special to me

but sometimes when a heart hurts, it is silent

sometimes what we feel is not pretty or profound.
sometimes it is just pain and confusion and....
regret

on December 24 while i sat in the Christmas eve service at my church and listened to the wonders of the season
my grandma slipped silently from this world...
an unbeliever lost forever

i went to see her before the end
i sat with her
but i didn't know how to reach her,
i could hold her hand, and i did
i wanted to make her a believer
i wanted to force salvation on her
but i didn't
i couldn't
it seems that if someone lives their life without God they die that way too

maybe i should have pushed
maybe i should have forced it
maybe i should have done something
anything...
yet in those moments i just felt helpless

the truth is i should have shared my faith with her many years ago
i should have shown her Jesus when she was busy living
and not waited till she was consumed with dying

and i am filled with regret
it sits beside me and whispers to me daily

it has become a unwanted companion

we had to re home titan
and i was thinking how i regretted getting him
how if we had not gotten him and had kept krinkle my son would not be so sad
and everytime he says "i miss krinkle, krinkle was MY dog"
regret snuggles in a little deeper

and then while the sting of letting titan go was still new
 krinkle passed suddenly away
and my heart exploded
and regret flowed out like poison

i wished i could just let it flow till it was all gone
but i know it doesn't work that way
the more it flows the stronger it becomes
till it plants itself permanently in my heart

and because i cant be sad all the time
because i cant cry forever
eventually it will turn into bitterness and anger
and the poison of it would become my legacy

so i must choose to let regret go

so i try to look at the other side
there is always another side
and if i can shake regret for a moment
if i can look past the heartache

maybe i will find relief

maybe i will see that God is truly in control
that regret changes nothing in the past, it simply taints the now

i know that God will not take someone from this earth who will choose Him
 until they do choose Him

i don't know if my grandma made that choice.
i think she did not
but i don't know that
maybe i should have done more for her
but i could not give her my faith
i could not lend it to her either
and i must come to terms with the fact that we all make our own choice about eternity
i can choose to remember her in life
and honor her right to choose

what i do know,
is that we made the right choice for krinkle, in giving her the loving family that filled her last 16 months of life

maybe we should not have gotten titan,
but even had we not gotten him

we still owed krinkle her own family
we owed her a life filled with love and peace and security,
she deserved to be the only dog
and i can find joy in knowing that she was loved
that she found what she needed and thrived in her new home
 i can miss her in peace
and honor her in my sadness
goodbye krinkle-pop-scally-wag

and good bye grandma Anderson

i will miss you both

yesterday

she turned six
my tiny baby bird who used to need me for everything
as we walked thru the mall to build-a-bear with her two new friends from school
she didn't hold my hand
she just walked along with her two besties
all excited about her big adventure
and being six

and my hand felt ~empty~
and i did the math while we walked
6 years
that's one third of my time with her in my home
one third is done already
and i suddenly realised how very quickly it ends
all my moments with her are so precious
and so fleeting

she is so wonderful
my beautiful daughter
so caring
so filled with life and emotion
with a short fuse, yet so quick to forgive
always making sure someone isn't left out
wanting to make a friend of the bully so he will learn how to be a friend
and making a friend of that bully
maybe his only one
yet setting boundaries "if you push my other friends on the ground, i cant be your friend, you have to be nice"

i am crying as i write this and she noticed and came over with a note that was
just the word MAMA with a picture of a broken heart
she wanted me to write on the back why i am sad so she could help me feel better.
i drew her little with a arrow to her big
she understood immediately
and is now working on "the Avienda shrink machine"

sometimes i can not even believe how much God has blessed me

she is now getting into the shrink machine, so off i go to get my tiny baby bird back :)

happy sixth birthday my sweet baby bird!
i love you more than i could ever begin to express

thankyou

i cant get my blog to allow me to comment on it, but i have been so blessed by the comments i have received i just want to say thank you.  i read every comment and am so very blessed by them.  i also want to say the tiny birds that have claimed my yard are house finches, they have had several little families this summer and all the babies come to my yard, they learn to sing, they bath in a bowl on my table, they fly all crooked and proud, and their mama and their papa feed them on my garden arch.  i also have sparrows aplenty, i know some people don't like them as they are bossy and messy, but my kids are bossy and messy to, so that doesn't bother me a bit.  i love the sparrows and they seem to like me too, they will nap in a fuzzy pile on my bench.  and i cant help but remember every time i see a little bossy grey sparrow throwing my seed all over, that not a single one falls from the sky the our Father doesn't know.  truly i am so blessed this summer, even with hail and wind and slug (still just the one) now aphids and grasshoppers, my garden blesses me, and my kids, and my birds.
so once again, thankyou for reading, and thankyou for commenting even tho i can't comment, i am blessed.

mommys garden makeover

well i remade the garden...

my wonderful husband who also happens to be a most excellent daddy made a tiny faerie arch that very closely mirrored the big one gracing my garden

and Lowe's supplied all kinds on mint and lemon balm and oregano at 70 cents a pot

my trips to the tilly and my sense of whimsy added all kinds of faerie furnishings

and imagination did the rest

when she heard about the lettuce she cried

when she walked out to the garden

she bent quietly down and looked thru the arch

and

sitting in front of the faeries garden,

bent low and completely silent i wondered if i had done enough

then she says in aww

"oh mommy i wish i could shrink down and go inside,

 i could walk the path and maybe go visit  frogs house."

and i understood

i had done enough

i had healed the broken

this time anyway

and i thanked the One who heals the broken every time

what i never told you before

is that while in the middle of pulling the flattened lettuce out

i found a slug

only one

but had it not hailed...

well nature would have done a whole other makeover.